Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Bell

A bell for tacos is undeniably Pavlovian and connotatively racist. My jeans refuse to fit.

Saturday, January 05, 2013


Unexpectedly, I have kindled a love for the word perturbed. Like a dusty heirloom bell from Aunt Imonapeea's nightstand, I finally hear you. Annoyances, I have dealt with decidedly. Perturbances are mosquitos that you tip your hat to. To be perturbed is to show respect for an asshole that will never close. A reluctant treaty. Band aids on a mole. I see you now and even if I have to eat glitter, I will sparkle a fart.

Friday, May 18, 2012

for remebering

i had forgot about this place. is anybody still here?

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

More thoughts...

I'm thinking of starting a new blog where I chronicle my favorite 227 quotes.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Chad Mount's Beerster Egg Videos

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Super Nova

Like a new star, everything good, or perceived as good, perpetuates exponentially until it explodes into McDonald's or religion. If you get caught in that gravity, you are along for the ride.

Sunday, January 09, 2011


Maybe it's time to start doing this again...

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Applause break

Sometimes the sound of one hand clapping is patting yourself on the back.

Friday, August 13, 2010


In perpetuity through force or collective nod
Holding on so tight
That we forget it is not ours.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Hooray Rights!

That's all. Hooray.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

It is a big, big day tomorrow, but only the beginning.

Monday, August 02, 2010

So Long Red Wing

Red Wing Shoe Company
David D. Murphy, President
Red Wing Shoe Company
314 Main Street
Red Wing, MN 55066

Dear David,

I bought my first pair of Red Wing Boots in 1988 to work on the Aggie Bonfire. They have protected my feet on so many occasions that I eventually started wearing them everyday, everywhere, and for everything. I have swayed numerous friends and family to start enjoying your quality boots. I have even convinced wardrobe to allow me to wear them in several national commercials and the films “Where the Heart Is”, “Brothers”, and the upcoming “Bringing Up Bobby”.

Your boots are synonymous with who I am and I have been proud to support your company for over 22 years.

This is why it deeply saddens me to declare that I will never, ever wear your brand as long as your company donates to PAGs like Minnesota Forward and supports candidates like Tom Emmer or anyone against equal rights for all Americans.

I fully support your decision and right to donate to these people, but I cannot even allow a fraction of one cent of my money to make its way into their coffers.

Thank you for 22 really good years.

Kind Regards,


Saturday, July 31, 2010

There is a tiny raver on my tomato plant

Where is the spray for that?

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Subconscious Alzheimer's

So last night I run into this imaginary girl in my dreams on two occasions. The first time, I do not remember her name (because she is imaginary, right?). Well she thinks we have met before and I guess I vaguely recognize her or something. She tells me her name is Moe. I just assume that is how it is spelled. It is my brain, so I guess I can spell it however I want.

Here is where it gets complicated. I run into her again. I think for a second that it is my old friend Suzanne so I'm like, "Zanny!". She says, "No, I'm Moe." It sure was. It was Moe again. Shouldn't I have remembered that?

I mean, my brain clearly knows who 'Moe' is. It invented her. I have never had a 'Moe' in my life. Well, I guess now i do. But how could I forget the name of the thing I invented when I invented the thing and it's name?

and why would my brain embarrass me like that in front of my new friend Moe. Rude.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Tropical Decorating Tips

Always go with creepy, creepy clowns. I took these shots at the lovely Rio Lindo resort in Dominical, Costa Rica.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Sparkle fART Snuggies

Sparkle fART Sundays - Make your own Snuggie
Sparke fARTS - Sparkle Farm Arts and Crafts Day
Sparkle Farm
Music/Arts - Exhibit
Sunday, March 22, 2009
12:00pm - 3:00pm
The Sparkle Farm
Sparkle Farm is now hosting Arts and Crafts on Sundays - Sparkle fARTS. This weekend will be a Snuggie making workshop. Sewing machines and patterns will be available. Just bring 3 yards of your favorite fleece and some scissors and we will help you with the rest.

Here is a 40% off coupon for Hobby Lobby that is good until Saturday.

If you are feeling a little generous, bring an extra 3 yards of fabric to make a Snuggie to be donated to Other Options here in Oklahoma City.

Our guest speaker is the talented Miss Cat Rey who teaching us body emphasis and facial expression in basic American Sign Language (ASL). It's more than a middle finger y'all.

We will then wear our new Snuggies to the HiLo for Afternoon Champagne of Beers Brunch.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

future pants

Sunday, November 16, 2008

sorry for the double post

but i figure i might get a better chance of finding him if i cover more bases...

it's just lunch.

Friday, October 24, 2008

God Hates Lobsters (and sand dollars)

In protest of Red Lobster's neverending marketing of neverending everything, we will be demonstrating our solidarity against all aquatic life without fins and scales tomorrow evening. This event is completely unrelated and entirely coincidental to the adjacent protesting by our brethren in hate, the folks at and their protesting of the 10th anniversary of the atrocity in Laramie, WY. This will be a peaceful protest against Lobsters and Sand Dollars ONLY. The hatred of Paul Newman, Finland, and Baltimore ( schedule) is not condoned at this time.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Ladieez Night

oh how i wish pictures of last night's festivities made it into a camera somewhere. Chris and myself let it all hang out when we met Courtney and Rebecca for "Ladies Night" at the Blue Note early yesterday evening... dressed as "ladies". much to our delight and the chagrin of the fellow male patrons, we did, in fact, drink free all night long. Chris, a.k.a. "Shelly" wore an a very apropos seaShell bikini, camo shorts, high heels, and black cher wig with the pony sticking through her "Mrs. Timberlake" trucker cap. I donned a leopard print cat suit with a platinum blonde bob wig, black lipstick, and pink feather trimmed dressing gown while answering to the name "Simoné" a.k.a. "Simon".

There are so many bars to conquer now.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Meetin' the Neighbors

Met the neighbors tonight. They pretty much suck except for the plans for a swimming pool that spans both yards that you swim underneath Mariot style.

Monday, March 24, 2008

overheard at Sparkle Farm

"Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts." -Danny

Monday, March 03, 2008

you're insane

Mitch Baker, Derek Doublin, and myself spent a good chunk of last saturday blowing up ice cream cones in my hand. all in all a fairly typical day at the Sparkle Farm and for Derek and Mitch, an average day at work.

oh, this road. we don't get 'jackass' bored, but entertainment for us has to be of a certain latitude to even raise a brow.

in more than one topical discussion, heroin has been dismissed solely on the icky needle factor. it has to be the best thing ever, look at atrocious repercussions of it's abuse. i could never handle the responsibility of that much fun, needles or not. i would like it. i eat too many filet o' fishes. not to mention the insurmountable amount of star alignment that would have to happen for me to even be comfortable with the possibility. considering it took no less than three test cones, re-designing of the camera angles so my head could be turned away, and waiting for the exact melted consistency of the ice cream before even considering hand-held exploding dairy. heroin doesn't stand a chance.

my mail was late last thursday. for a good chunk of the world, retired and otherwise, this would be cause for high drama including neighborhood speculations and calls to the hospital. anything that breaks up their monotony. i just put my monotony in a blender, add rum, and decide where to install the stripper pole.

the architecture of my postal crisis had a few more stories. i was trying desperately to get to Austin for Leslie Hall's show and still get to bed at a decent time to be fresh for my audition on friday.

but i wanted to get the signature delivery express mail package from India that i ordered through the Canadian pharmacy for the Viagra that was supposed to have been available back at the post office at 4:45 before i left. i had a plan.

do not go speculating. my junk works. just ask Chris, who made us leave a certain college sangria bar in Antwerp because the eye candy permanently hardened the enamel on my "sweet tooth". that's a whole other blog.

i got caught off guard by a spam email. i just wanted to see what it did. i figured the six hour ride to Austin would be a safe environment to explore this curiosity. i knew i couldn't trust myself at home for that long with a boner. recipe for counter-productivity.

i got to the post office at 4:44. after three searches in the back and a few brow wipes hoping for discrete packaging, i was locked in to await the return of my "post" man. i was escorted out with my prize at 5:05, popped a pill in the parking lot, and was off.

thirty minutes, nothing. not that there is anything especially exciting on the drive from OKC, but i thought i'd get at least a partial from the Ronnie Milsap billboard at Riverwind Casino. i even fantasized about a Dolly Parton/Willie Nelson tribute to Merle Haggard tour. nothing.

two hours. nothing. time to get gas. insert "pay at the pump" joke. i decided to go in to the Love's truck stop for some water and got a raging hard-on in the beef jerky aisle. i skipped the water, sidled out, and avoided eye contact. dammit, ray. now i'm a blue collar comedy sketch.

the rest of the trip was pretty uneventful. Viagra is not that special. it just slightly lowers your threshold for wood potential. whatever. it did inspire me to change one of my monologues to be said to my dick. my character is a horny rich video game coder nerd and the script is a comedy. it was hilarious in my head.

went to the show. bed by 2. audition at noon. Tim McCanlies told me i was insane. i think it was in the good way?

gauze caftans from International Male. THAT'S insane.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

"that high didn't cost you nuthin"

they say that starving to death is really a pleasant way to go. as you get closer and closer to your tyra weight, you body releases endorphins and makes you loopy happy. maybe it's meant as a last ditch effort to encourage a taco expedition, maybe it explains why some models talk that way, and maybe it's why i went to the gym today... twice.

i've been doing a mile and a half in the mornings, no big whoop. i figure i can at least do that while on the master cleanse. 8pm rolled around and raymond got antsy, so i went back and did another two and half miles. i now feel stupidly alive. like the dog that endlessly chases cars. tongue waggin in the breeze and not a brain cell to show for it.

i still want a rib.

Monday, January 28, 2008

g'bye ssmmoke

i just smoked my last cigarette for a bit. stupid Derek got me all excited about doing a Master Cleanse, but i had one pack left so i finished them. started fasting this morning after he and i went to my noise violation probation deferred adjudication rapin'. i got $84 back from a $204 bond. i extremely dislike my old neighbor that wasn't Derek. whatev, case dismissed.

so yeah, smoked while starting a health fast. gotta ease into these things. i don't know what it is about these fasts, but they are mildly addictive. this will be my third in almost four months. when i'm done, i will not have eaten in 24 days out of the last 120. you wouldn't know it from looking at me. i really went to town preparing for the movie. mcdonalds was my best friend and sometimes two packs of cigs turned into three on a good drinking night.

time to pay the piper and get back to feeling good about feeling good again.

tomorrow's gonna suck. Derek's already on day three so he's over the hump. i should have pizza delivered to him. you hear that Derek? i'm gonna send you a pizza with cheeseburgers on it.

at least i'll be a cheap date in l.a.

Friday, January 25, 2008

women's glib

my buddy Phil and i paid a visit to Mama's Smoking Aces yesterday afternoon at the less than prompt "its five o'clock somewhere" time of 3:30pm

to simply call it a dive bar would grossly misrepresent it's mostly working class non-lesbian lady clientele.

the sign on the door greeted us with my favorite misspelling of the year, "No open containers in or out of the bar. If you break this rule, YOU WILL BE BARED!"

that sentence gave us quite a chuckle until we opened the door and met head on with the women who could and would carry out that punishment, misspelled or not.

favorite quotes:

"that high didn't cost you anything"

"this is the fifth house i've lived in on the same street. my kids still live in the one i grew up in."

"now i'm scared of dark bathrooms, june bugs, AND ladders."

"sign up for your pre-paid beer card"

"here's some pens for you two to take home"

"this juke is old, sometimes you have to crumple up the new dollars to make it think they're old like it is."

"bite my right nut." "grow one." "i already did." (referring to the bulbous cyst on her right pinkie)

"mama must of shook me upside down when i was a kid, that's why the fungus is in all my fingernails instead of my feet."

"you think that gets you high? you ever sprayed LACQUER?"

we absorbed all of this in the time span of one hour. i also negotiated to buy the bars kerosene heater as soon as the owner got back with the new propane tanks.

we went straight to the HiLo after and had to wash our hands BEFORE we peed.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Thinking about Life

You know,
sometimes it amazes me
when I think of all the people in the world,
and all the innocent children,
and all the wonderful animals,
and really... all the LIFE on this crazy planet,

that I'd like to kill and eat.

It just amazes me.

Man, I love meat.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Into the Cheese

such a good food.

"Happiness is only realized
when you have Nacho Cheese Doritos
covered in melted cheese
and a bowl of queso."

Into the Wild

such a fantastic movie.

"happiness is only real when it's shared"

Monday, January 21, 2008

in my skewed reality

i like to think that he was calling his office from Fred Segal because he found a hoodie that i would look great in (and i don't even like hoodies).


in my real reality, our paths rarely crossed on set and we never officially met. very thoughtful though.

i wonder what would happen if i called back and asked what kind of ringtone Tobey would want? yeah, i'll get him like a spiderman ringtone or something cool like that.

Friday, December 28, 2007

help the Yelapans

During our Mexico stay we will be visiting a little village called Yelapa. They are in need of school supplies there and Jami, the German, and myself are going to carry some down in our check-in luggage. If any of you Oklahomans or Austinites have some things you want to send down, get 'em to me before the 3rd. Or if you feel like sending some down, here is some info from the teacher there.

Pegge Bastress, Dorado 103, Yelapa, Jalisco, Mexico. If you are visiting Yelapa, you could look for me to make your donation, or call me at, 209-5172.

Packages with donated school supplies for the children may also be sent to the above address. Mark $0 value and "donativos para la escuela" on the customs slip. Smaller packages have a better chance of making it all the way to Yelapa, without the need of going to Vallarta to retrieve the package and pay duty.

On behalf of the parents and children, we send our appreciation and thanks.

Gracias, Pegge Bastress

Pegge Bastress,

Dorado 103,

Yelapa,Jalisco, Mexico

Friday, December 21, 2007