Tuesday, September 30, 2003

the price of lame

seeing all my friends and roadtrip with derek, priceless
wishing staci a 'happy birthday' in person, priceless
seeing mitch and dave do brilliant comedy, priceless
missing the 'school of rock' premier and sitting in the corner of the bowling alley 'after party' watching jack black get harassed and being harassed ourselves by two extreme left-weenists and never 'running into' linklater which was my intention in the first place for the whole dong ding mess, $54 per beer plus transmission fluid and a new water pump for the limo.

you've inspired me to be more honest Blynch. you better watch your mouth about gravy though.

This one is serious.

I'm not the fan of the blog that I once was.
I found out that anyone was capable of reading it, and that left kind of a bad taste in my mouth since I was saying things I thought only three other people could read.
Now, I'm going to be getting over this with my first very honest truly out there for everyone to see post. I'll try to get over my problems with blog by being very honest and open about something I really haven't shared with anyone. This "something" might even shock some people that are very close to me. As you can tell I'm stalling with this because people who know me, and who are reading this without me knowing, will have this very personal information about me and I might not know it. So here it goes...Getting drunk and watching Hooper might be better than gravy.


Do not take my powers away!
I'm a dude who needs his powers and randomness.
Derek-I started the book. It was very addictive, so I started writing a short where you and Ray play Mel Gibson/Danny Glover type characters.
Derek&Ray-I still have two "king size" tubes of cookie dough in my fridge. I think I'm gonna mail it to y'all.
Derek again-I saved every add from the paper this Sunday that had people or people modeling clothes. I'm going tomorrow to buy construction paper, markers, crayons, paint, and paste...after I take my nephew to see the new "Stiffler and the Rock" (sung in the style of Solid as a Rock) movie.
Jesus will look fabulous in pants.
I'm posting a very important blog after this.

Thursday, September 25, 2003


Really suck. I hate my blackouts. I always blackout right before I'm about do something really stupid or right before I'm just gonna pass out somewhere. The worst part about it, is that I have no idea which one of those things I did last night.

I have not had a single beer today.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Quien es Hota?

Yo no remebero a Hota? I only remeber Puto and Maguto. OH and I remember Filthy Whore and Filthy Slut. Russell, remember when I got them to make out with you for your birthday? That ruled almost as much as "Alabama."

In case you forgot

You guys should really watch Bloodsport. Hear me out. The movie is really shitty, but it has the best music video within a movie I've ever seen. Oh, and it has classy lines like "Don't touch me dickface." Time to drink beer and watch the Astros day game.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Bamboo Rocks

it does you know.

your llamo es

Tu es Pincha, y Hota es Hota

Monday, September 22, 2003

what's my name?

besides 'captain tractor'

puto magooto?

oh, yeah, that's the name of the bar.

too nogged to blog

sometimes in our expeditions, we have but charcoal and scraps of papella to scritch out the blog. this is from friday evening, enjoy...

huh? HOLY SHIT the doll just opened it's eyes. truck. truck is the best name for a bear. i ran out of land and i plowed up the streets.

no, no, no. (squiggle I?) it has to be the words that nobody suspects. i can't wait to get home and smoke a bowl.

Antidiluvian. (line)
that word sounds like your running up a mountain.
zebras have stripes because they bled into trapper keepers.
Don't discuss this dam it.

defense trate.

I'm taking it from a greco roman approach.

I'm gonna draw a driving in the dark picture.

Hoto's beer ad (i dunno how to spell my name right)

Jami designs a tattoo...

Sunday, September 21, 2003


MMmm peanuts......
mmmmmm beer................
MMMMMMMMMM Peanuts & Beer.


"I make myself laugh"

The Jaguar-Pig

Once upon a time there were some......well lets call them earthlins. They were on a scavanger hunt in Mexico. They were deep in the jungles on a long rock step past up to hell....or is that down--oh well. Up and up we went. When all of a sudden our scout we sent ahead came back white as ghost with sayings that there a was sound of beastly porpotions. The word was that is sounded like a jaguar and the very cry of this beast would make the hair on your ass stand. Well normal people would run for the hills, and since we were on the hills, and we are not normal people we did the next best thang. We picked up big sticks and the video camera and proceded with caution! Slowly we crept up the rock steps, with stick in hand and red light video camera blinking. Tell we came to the very home of the beast. There we could hear rustling of bushes and deep breathing of the monster.....then all of sudden the beast appeared out of its man made hut. The pig (not Jaguar) jumped half way out of the pit. We instanlty ran the opposite direction. only to relize that this was a pig not a beast. We must have felt pretty stupid--ehh--brave n magnicifcent n triumphent!!

and captured all on tape to prove all actions.........

mi llamo estupuido

Mi llamo Muguto. Es muy drunko. Que llamo es yours.
Asi Asi.
Es rememberoto yours?

Friday, September 19, 2003

Russell, I know you are drunk...

but you are not posting. so, i will post for you. this is an email from Russell to Jami. people, here's a time when you get to shoot the messenger, i'll be standing on the porch, aim high.

Ok we meet in Vegas, get drunk, get married at
those all night hole in the wall chappels.
first night marriage sex, get up and win lots
at the blackjack tables, eat all you can eat
chicken fried steak with gravy at the buffet,
arrested for haveing sex in the display car on
turn table slot machines. Breakout and ride
across the dessert on horses.....

Thursday, September 18, 2003

totally fair

last night was my first trip to a 'state' fair which also coincides with my inaugural visit to the oklahoma state fair. just the mention of the word oklahoma springs forth images of well..state fairs. it was magical. not magical in the whimsical backwoods harry potter flies in surfing the hood of funnelzilla (span. fun-nelle-zeeya) 'the fried dough monster truck'. it was magical in the sense that the ratio of food booths to patrons was approximately one to one. beer booths, three to one. and these beer booths weren't just a couple of foldy leg tables draped with sticky beer skunk plastic, they had seating. THERE WAS A KARAOKE BAR AT THE FAIR. a big one. say it out loud with me.. 'oklahoma state fair karaoke bar'.

Dig in people, there's much more. Taken from their website.

Potty Palooza presented by Charmin Ultra:
This 32-foot truck transforms into 12 private, home-like bathrooms that promise to be the blue ribbon best of the restrooms at the 2003 Oklahoma State Fair. Each of the ultra-plush potties features flushing toilets, fully functional sinks, air conditioning, aromatherapy and, of course, premium Charmin Ultra bath tissue. Constant maintenance keeps the bathrooms in pristine condition, providing a comfortably clean bathroom experience for fairgoers.

number one or number two. five seconds or fifteen minutes. they skittled in behind you to make sure that bathroom was pristine for the next occupant (i would've re-painted after some of the goers) it was like the episode of laverne and shirley (shutup) where laverne kept taking a sip out her water glass and the fancy waiter kept filling it back to the top. magical.

more later, i have to go eat with derek. for now peruse these selected competitions:

Section 501 - Miscellaneous Crafts
Section 502 - Miniatures
Section 503 - Decorative Painting - Novice
Section 504 - Decorative Painting - Amateur
Section 505 - Decorative Painting - Advanced Amateur
Section 506 - Decorative Painting - Open Class
Section 507 - Egg Art
Section 508 - Woodcarving - Novice
Section 509 - Woodcarving - Amateur
Section 510 - Woodcarving - Over 4 Years Experience
Section 512 - Let's Celebrate
Section 513 - Rubber Stamping
Section 514 - Leathercrafting
Section 515 - Wood Turning
Section 517 - Decorated Egg Contest
Section 518 - Birdhouse & Birdfeeder Contest
Section 521 - Developmentally Disabled MR

Golden Age Celebrations:
State Fair Royalty Contest
Senior Age Spelling Bee
Senior Swing Dance
Senior Stroll

derek and matt dressed as gingerbread men while working at the Mannheim Steamroller concert last Christmas... drunk

Tuesday, September 16, 2003


The first day drunk post, and all I can say is that it IS ok to eat pizza crust that belonged to someone else and that has been sitting on the coffee table for almost 24 hours. Now imagine apes and humans living together through a pvc jailcell. Now they're nekkid. What a movie.
I'm gonna go putt-putt now. really.

yes, welcome, welcome!!!

russell!! rock on!! welcome to this magnificent circle of beautiful drunk friends!! !viva la la pirámide de llantas!! !!pronto!!!


captain Diamond Stupid's vowel protest speech

ths fnc ctfsh blggr hs n vwls
dwn wth vwls
stpd vwls
fck vwls
vwls cn kss m utt
fckn stpd vwls
smd m gnn kck th sht t f vwls
n mr vwls

Monday, September 15, 2003


Welcome to our little world Russell.

I guess I lost then

I'm so getting shitfaced tonight and writing something good.

I wish i had

boy howdy, i wish i had a beer, i wish i had a beer.
but i don't
so i can't
but i will
so i do.

i am happy.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

damn you whata BURGER!

i could use my super-admin special bullshit powers (that you and blynch have too), but that is a dish best served on paper plates with shrimp forks and artificial lighting.

i win

i win
i won
look at me
i win
i wun
i got to the blogger first
i won

Saturday, September 13, 2003

super update

well, ray and i just stayed up all night drinking and piecing together a shitass puzzle.
now it's 7:00 in the morning and he wants to go check out the garage sales.
garage sales

the agreement

ray prewitt just swore to me that if he ever makes over a million dollars while making a picture that he'd spend one hundred thousand dollars of it on lobster.

i am holding him to this agreement because mmmmmmmmmm.

fourth of july

heard a good joke from steven
steven teaches little kids how to play cello

why do ants celebrate the fourth of july?
because it's super ant war day.

i love the shit out of that

now... to talk about some other note that's not even in my special pad
i have a bunch of tiny cardboard people on my desk that i cut out of a 1972 record album cover of a band called "The Family Singers!"
these people look ridiculous and should not be smiling as big as they are
they look fucking ridiculous
even for that time period
they look like members of The Plastic Lobster club.
that's not a real club.
but it kinda looks like a place they'd hang out.
these damned cardboard people probably keep Skoal Bandits in the card catalog.
they hide it all behind the letter "U"

that's it
i'm stopping now
whoa mama

hmm, i wonder..

which one was my first truly drunk post?

Friday, September 12, 2003


kathy (dad's girlfriend but independent of him if she wants). we just LOST a thirty minute conversation. it was typed 'mostly' verbatum. your loss. we were here. and you were'nt.

kathy, about the dove hunt "oh my god, is this a prewitt deal or what, they all snore, you gotta love 'em. you just put the pillow over your head and go"

8 minutes of Kathy explains how my dad's cousin 'pepper' peppered her with buck shot.

snore's from the bedroom remind me of the beginning of the thing that we lost.

Kathy and Raymond Sr. smaaaoooching in the bedroom, 10 feet from me.

Kathy retorts, " Oh BULL, Ray, You're fixin' to set somebody on fire tonight" giggle.

Apparantly, " i am the pits"

we both don't think Raymond Sr. can't handle it.

we both love Raymond Sr. unconditionallly.

he doesn't know what he wants in his

you know what i love most about him, he loves to hunt, fish, etc.

if he loves that, he needs to enjoy that

you can't take that away

"don't you do this to me again computer, get a mac"

you've got to love somebody unconditional for themselves.

life is too short. (i'm sick of not HEARING this)

he litters and doesn't recycle.

i enjoy him.

i like to do more for him

and i think it hurts him

i think he has a problem with someone making him feel special

you want to do something that makes him feel special

and that's what's make me feel special

that's what it's all about

that's what life is all about

ray says 'this makes me happy'

kathy says "you know what the key life is, to hold somebody that you love, and you don't expect anything else out of them than someone to hold, and that's what life is all about."

"get them to hold you back"

"and that is the ultimate to life"

"and you don't want anything in return"

"because what you give you can't receive"

"and I have to go tee-tee"

"and your dad is goin'... it's a prewitt thing"

ray here, while kathy goes t.t. i'm listening to classic country on wireless speakers that todd (brother) and i fixed. i'm smoking kathy's (when will i be loved comes on) cigarettes. kathy come out of the master bedroom dancing to the song. kathy puts out my cigarette (she gave it to me so she has the right).

kathy shows me my blunt old ravaged cigarette (the second one i have blamed her for putting out tonight). george jones comes on.

kathy, "what are you writing?" 'the race is on' says george

"you're gonna kill me for this, but i'm love with your daddy"

i think to myself, i've been in love with him for 33 years. (kathy is watching me type this)

'don't think your dad can handle this'

five minutes while i tell kathy how cool she is.

time out, call blynch. patsy cline comes on.

she still calls him blanch and she love his shoes.

if nothing else she loves his shoes and she loves the fact that she..
his daddy is night night. ray and i are sitting here talking on the computer

you need to be here with pary crowd

load youass up, blanch you love a good challlenge, blanch just load youass up oh bulshit

there's no doubt in my mind that you're goin'

well get your ass down here

load it up buddy

imiss ya

here's ray

this is almost too much

kathy says, you aint going back tomorrow

b lynch says, i just wanted to hear her say

and 'i am shithoused'

'i want to be superdrunk'

kathy says 'he wants to come down'

blanch, come visit us

ray says, i can't type thi

blanch, 'would you ask him, 'would you like me to make you your favorite bananna'?

blanch, kiss my ass and the horse you rode in on

if you cant do it then you cant never do nothing

ok ill be right there

did we do your dad
birthdayt nice?

he's snoring

it was nice, it should've been

he's typing 899 to nugthin

i ai

9i; give you a dollar


money order


punch ray int he gut

paassin out

you dont have a hair on your ass if you dont give do

lets give you razor and let's go to g


no, we gonna

i cant

because im 3 hours

all you ahve to do is ahllu uour as

let me tell you this deal, sllepp, then com on


no, you gotta play gold

leave now,

suk it up bud

have you been drinkn heavily

ray? is tha bullshitt

hangin with beecca saddleer, and chuy

go sllep[ 30 hours then get up ant noon

lemme bo bed

get sleep and come on

party all


i thing he's in houston


dawgs in bed
s in houston

he got a flat

Thursday, September 11, 2003


i won't be drunk enough either. i hope you're happy. shut-up ray. you shut-up your own self. get me a beer. get me one too.

galvanized aluminum
gal van nized aluminum
galvmanized alumnum
glavanezed aluminium
i hate the british

Just Not Drunk Enough

I am not even close to being drunk enough to post anything right now.
I mean just look at that last sentence.
How many mispelled words were there?
I'm just not drunk enough.
Wait a second.
Spell Check just told me that I mispelled the word "misspelled".
Well... the fact that I managed to operate Spell Check correctly means I'm still not drunk enough.
And in addition to that, I now believe that I'm incredibly stupid and can't spell.
I need another beer.

Christmas every day

Each day I don't remember what I wrote here but I know I wrote something. I should spend a week sober...nah.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

we want you to come up here to live

but the schol districts are so bad for the kid.

Blynch is √+++∞©


Tis the reason why.(Cooter Browned)

I "exciting and new" you guys.
I "bites" you guys.
I "is a many splendored thing" you guys.
Ahhh fuck it! I love you guys.
When the Smithsonian opens up their "friend" wing, you guys are the main exhibit.
Ray. You have a heart bigger than the state of Texas.
Derek. You have a soul more gentle than a bear named "Ben." You also have more soul than Motown.
Drunk makes me mad and mournful that you guys aren't here every day.
Drunk makes me fun.
Drunk makes me Blynch
I hope something will make me as good as you guys one day.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

No I didn't. Did I?

Sleepwalkers. Sleeptalkers. These are acceptable. These are not bad.
I am bad.
I Sleepeat. And no, I don't wake up in the middle of eating a pie or peanut butter from the jar. I know this because I can't help but notice things I have NEVER eatn being in my stool.
Yeah I look, so fuck you and listen.
I don't eat peas. I don't eat corn. All very common in a normal diet I'm sure. But my diet is far from normal and contains neither of those things. I guess I can hope I'm only eating these things.

Monday, September 08, 2003

My Reflection

this morning i woke up, opened the door, and looked in the mirror
and the man i saw looking back at me was different than i remember
he was a lot older
he seemed sad
he was dressed in blue
he had a large satchel flung around his shoulder
and his arm was protruding past the reflection plane
and he was slapping a handful of letters in my face
and he was saying, "hey stupid... hey... hey man... take your mail... hey... your box is full... take this... it's your mail... take it damn it... there's no room in your box."
i refused his offer
"noway," i said, "i'm not gonna take that ugly mail!
it's all cheap grocery store news and low APR finance rates!
there's not a single personal letter in there!"
with a smirk he held up a postcard.
"no. noway," I said, "that postcard was laser printed to APPEAR as if it were hand written!
look! whose it from? Capital One. i don't have any friends by that name."
angry and tired, he set the mail down on my front porch and walked over to the next house
i have such a weird reflection
i need to wash that mirror

paper or plastic

marsupials, pouch
male seahorse, pouch
chipmunks, pouch

that is why i like my overalls and cargo pants refuse to go away.

would it be so ding dong difficult to have a few canvas grocery bags? they have them in mexico, all over the place. for why do i refuse to do it? such a waste of paper and plastic. i do not let them give me sacks for the bottle water/soda/candy/and other assorted non-essentials that my stint in l.a. has caused me to glom onto and crave when i have to drive more than a half mile to my favorite fast food of the hour. (it's totally my fault, but it's comforting to blame l.a. for all evil goings-on) i will get grocery bags. i will.

spiders in my bed since moving to oklahoma, 3. i lost one and he came back so it's really only two individual spiders, but it counts.

devon was the MMMMostest peculiar fish i had ever pulled out of B's hole. MMmmMP had left both her cane poles leaned on the side fence for tomorrows outing and I could not resist a test drive on number two. the carvings near the base were MMMMmMMostly wore off from her first eight years of fishing, but the rest peered back at Mme like the ghosts of every long john silver's fish ever fried. that's why she carried two poles. numMMmber one was filled tip ta toe with portraits the daily catch and number two was a close second. most of the fish she caught looked similar so she got to where she would just carve a different name next to a previous drawing. she wielded that straight pen like a silkly ancient tatoo mistress. i have seen her spear fish eggs like caviar kabobs. even her mistakes seemed fancy, when you could find 'em. yep, devon was prize-winning peculiar and he deserved a spot on two, but i amMMm hungry and MP ain't here to immortalize him. i will, however, say a prayer for devon when i'm wipin' my ass tomorrow.

2 much fun

I mean shit. LOOK AT EM!
Those two are moving better than anything else in the bar.
They move to the music as though they were bobbing in the ocean.
You know they will always move better together, than anytime they're apart.
Side to side.
Left to right.
Up and down.
That girl has way too much fun in her shirt.
I miss her already.

Sunday, September 07, 2003

here we go.