Friday, October 31, 2003

Halloween

Are you people dressing up for Halloween and if so what are you going as? I can't make up my freaking mind. I'm trying to decide between Flying Elvis, Captain Chaos (dom deluise from cannonball run), or shitty pirate. I think I'll go with shitty pirate.

non-drunk but just as happy

i received a gently worn dollar bill in the mail yesterday from David Filipek of Alameda, CA. it's the most valuable dollar i have had the pleasure of spending in many years. i used it to fund some of tomorrow's halloween candy disbursement.

you see, i sold an old pair of button fly jeans on ebay. they meant nothing to me, but were the subject of some denim dreams for David as he shelled out seventeen-fifty plus four-fifty shipping for my forgotten 501s. three days post-auction, a small letter arrived with one of those tiny $7.95 return address ink stamps in the corner and adorned with a 'first flight Wright Brothers' postage stamp, inside, a neatly printed note (same return address stamp in the upper left hand corner) wrapped around a crisp twenty and it's neighbor a series 1995 two dollar bill (well that's nifty). I promptly mailed the jeans off and that was that. happy feedbacks for me and all my good friends!

Yesterday, as i'm shuffling through the rain forest of junk mail that oklahoma crams me with every day, i came across a letter from california. It was not your impersonal #10 size envelope, but another A2, complete with a 'welcome to oklahoma' postage stamp (well that's nifty), David Filipek again. my heart sank. were the jeans defective? was there a napkin from a strip joint in one the pockets? you can't take back positive feedback mother fucker. those jeans were perfect when i sent them off. fucking postal service must have fucking fucked them up in transit. i can't believe i have to deal with this bullshit. i fucking knew that $17.50 for a stupid pair of jeans was too good to be true. i tore open the envelope and readied myself for whatever interstate mail fraud i was going to be blamed for. the note read,

Dear Ray,

I noticed that the jeans I purchased from you cost $5.50 to ship and not $4.50 as you stated in the invoice. Here is another dollar to cover that.

David Filipek

I immediately sent him a free pair of jeans y'all. He found a 'Welcome to Oklahoma' stamp to use on the letter to me. He lives in California. Found an 'Oklahoma' stamp. California. Oklahoma. Dollar Bill. I love David Filipek from Alameda, CA.

I guess that is what this world has come to. I feel I have to give out prizes in response to random kindness. If that is what it takes, then that is what it takes. I will be a politeness prize patrol. So keep up all the good work all of you kind, rare, and wonderful people with manners and common decency. I will now be watchin' and prizin'.

For all you dicks out there. I have in my employ, twelve hundred three dark devil gnomes who will flatten your tires if you don't stop bein' dicks, you dicks. so don't be a dick, be good and win a prize.

where did all the blogs go at?

Monday, October 27, 2003

Look What Oklahoma Did to Ray...

Saturday, October 25, 2003

am i a shallow dumbass?

so i'm at a design conference in vancouver. and all the topics elude me totally. people are presenting these complex algorithms for design processes and i'm like, people, i can't even get clients to comprehend a site map for a website, much less an abstract model for logic theory that aristotle came up with in who the fuck knows BC (if the person in my physical background doesn't stop asking me stupid questions about dumbass shit, i may have to commit violence) what a bunch of mental masturbation for the esoteric pseudo intellectuals, someone come and save me and show me what real conversations feel like again without showing me a flowchart, did i really pay $500 to be here?

ray, can i have some fo special candy?

Friday, October 24, 2003

Only Blynch...

Can manage to slightly twist his left ankle and completely destroy, to the point of it making a popping sound, his right ankle while playing golf. What the shit people? It sounds funny like "Ha ha you have a golfing injury" but I didn't really injure myself while "golfing" it was while I was walking and one of the water control units was covered with grass and set into a 5 to 6 inch hole and the next thing ya know Blynch is rolling around in the grass spitting profanity and asking Russell if he heard the popping sound. I should live in a bubble.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

So I didn't lie

But my iBook totally crashed on me and Bearden probably wouldn't be too fond of me staggering into his room at 3 in the morning to type drunken messages. SO, once I get my computer fixed I'll be back to the blog.

Jami, I hope that your response was a swift kick to groin, but I'm assuming that you just waited until they passed out and peed on em.

Saturday, October 18, 2003

re: blynch's mother fuckers!!!!!!!!!! beer post

ok, roommates drinking your beer is bad BUT what do you do when you come home and find that the roommate you kicked out of YOUR house 3 months ago (who STILL has not gotten all his crap out of your house and you have not seen hide nor hair of him since then), has gotten back in to YOUR house mysteriously and has not only drank all of YOUR beer from YOUR refrigerator, but is sittting on YOUR couch after drinking said beer, doing cocaine when you walk into YOUR house and then lies about it when you ask him what he's doing. i'm not often flabbergasted. a special prize for whoever can think of what a very appropriate response would have been.

Its been a while since I've seen you smile

So I'll give you this and tell you that it's better when you've been drinking.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/tv.htm
I've actually been really busy for a guy that has no job this week. But, now that the week is behind me I'll be getting shitfaced and spilling wisdom and bullshit all over this mofo.
peace out baby bitches.
ps.Is WEEN in a commercial that is airing now?

where's the blynch?

blynch has not posted in 8 days.

ladee da

i indicate my mistakes with a black highlighter so nobody can see them. HOWEVER, sometimes my mistakes are extremely visible because i use a marker called EXPO and that's really a dry erase pen. if i write on glass it just wipes right off. usually it wipes off on the shirt of the first drunk person to lean on the window.

oh... on another note... i was gonna try some Easy Mac macaroni and cheese but when i opened the special pouch the cheese powder had crystallize into some rare, precious stone and that seemes a tad unatural so I'm gonna go eat something else instead.

i can't believe i can type right now. especially after a whole bottle of "wild irish rose" (that's a bottle of weird, 18% alcohol, passion fruit flavored, IRISH wine, with GINSENG). it tastes like rotten strawberries and hairspray.

Friday, October 17, 2003

lo siento

payasos es una palabra un poco fuerte. voy a usar chanchos.

que se vayan bien

yo soy un extranjero en una tierra de mujers major de todo. que voy a hacer? yo sè. me voy a emborracharme, como siempre, y correrè desnudo en la calle o tacarè mi popo. Estoy en Buenos Aires ahora, payasos. Chupame...por favor.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

puke green liquid paper

It's GAN! jami anderson - don't jinx my shit before i get out of the box. ray, i forgot to thank you heartily for the Mrs. Renfro's green salsa - it was a nice touch. Becky Say Eat More.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

almost not never ever

have i been so proud.


someone found this site by searching for 'peanuts and beer mexico club'. i could have managed a tear for just 'peanuts and beer' (U.R.). Adding 'mexico club' to the mix is like finding the perfect thrift store garment, finding out that it's your size, and then seeing your initials on the tag because you actually bought it new 15 years ago. that is what adding 'mexico club' is. that, what i just typed 'mexico club' is being like is like.

Monday, October 13, 2003

received today

Glad you enjoyed our Green Salsa.

Becky Renfro

buh buh buh bye!

hay, i love you guys. this is so fuckinng great. can i get some more? now?

Sunday, October 12, 2003

i just wanted to say...

i sure do love the shit out of my group of friends. sometimes i sit back and wonder if people have friends like this or if i'm just the luckiest son-of-a-bitch on this side of the moon. i think the thing that i like most about my friends is the fact that despite any major flaws we may have in our physical or mental design... we're all walking the plank together to the very end. hand in hand. arm in arm. stupid and beautiful.

Saturday, October 11, 2003

uh oh

okay...

ray just just posted an email i sent to a salsa company on the blogger. i want everyone to know that i did not have an opportunity to spell chack that letter. the word "woo" should be "wood". also, "the girl from nashville" should be "jami". i hope that clears some shit up. in other news... that green salsa really burned my mouth and i only had one bite. seriouisly, i was really drunk and now i'm sober and it's all because of that salsa. jami ate thirty minutes worth of chips and salsa but i'm told she has an iron salsa retartend mouth. i don't feel like so much of a pussy now.

tip[sy, tipsy, tipsy.

-derek

my rambunt sa

ctious letter to sal

dear mrs. renfro's,

your (green) salsa was so strong that it made my drunk ass focus. i was lying on the ground ready to throw up with three plastic sacks in hand, when this girl from nashville came and put a tortilla chip covered in your green salsa in my mouth and suddenly... suddenly... i found that i could focus on everything in the room. i could see my friend's fake woo paneling on the ceiling fan... i could see my friend's red tupperware covers... i could see my friend's natural gas valve (unused) sitting in the bedroom.

i don't know whart the purpose of this email is. i really don't. i just wanted to say that your green salsa fixed my potential hangover and prevented my mouth from releasing everything unholy (i.e. vomit). keep up the good work.

sincerely,

derek doublin
(using my friend ray prewitt's email, the man who purchased the salsa to begin with). he didn't feed it to me though. some girl from nashville did.

i have to stop writing now because some girl is asking about "the egg babies". i know that sounds strange... but it is real .

Friday, October 10, 2003

I am

So much luckier than you guys.
I just got home on a good buzz and Safe Men has just started.
In case you didn't know, I think Safe Men is in the top 5 comedies of all time. This movie is way too damn funny. I'm actually laughing too hard to type a drunk message. I love this movie.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

finally..

a crunchy tastin' drunk post.

oklahoma is bubbling and spewing with sad/happy but not sappy existences. all souls here are crusty old. this has to be why i'm drawn to it. businesses, bars, stores that specialize in obscure this or thats and the repairs of such line every street. they are huddled together in dated, patchy strips of pure dedication. any other proprietors would have faded, not oklahomans, somehow they perservere with seemingly no patronage. from my vantage, they linger like ghosts or gum on soles. that's it, i will call these people 'soul gum'. the threat was always seven years to pass swallowed gum. it's gonna take a lot longer than that for me.

you can be anything you want to. tell me about it. i wish opportunity would shut the fuck up for a second so i can think. boo-hoo blah blah. can i get a read for one of the three features filming in austin right now? that way i wouldn't have to dwell on my half-goods. (not that i'm a full-good actor, it's just my only true passion)

i'm half-good at so many things. contrary, the one thing i've certainly nailed is being a roach. don't get me wrong, i think most of the world, save a few goody-two-shoed vow-of-boring monks, is a heap of roach. i just don't like mentally tracing my trails of crumb exploits. (is this my 'crisis'? where's my 'vette?)

i just want a 40 year lease in an acting strip mall, nestled in between paul dooley's golf emporium and father's day stand and ted levine's house of knives.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Dearest Colby,

It is late and I am drunk, but there is something I must tell you...I late you.
My shoulder has started to hurt like a son of a gun the past couple of days. It never hurt like this until you pushed me into the back of a couch. DAMN! I fucking late you.
Enjoy the world and every woman on it.

Monday, October 06, 2003

Gumersinda tiene muchas problemas con su riñones, pero se refusa parar comiendo cristal. Ella es mi palola.

The Way it Should Be

why can't i be drunk for this

http://www.86theonions.com/

Sunday, October 05, 2003

Okay..

because i love colby and wanted to see what he wrote (my spanish is limited) i copied and
pasted his blooger entry into the Babelfish online translator and here's what
came out. i think that Babelfish has a sense of humor and likes to mess with people.
-----------------
"Hello Horsemen! They have towels you? I either. as You as well? Well here! Two weeks atras, I went to a celebration, and I do not remember whichever women to me I kissed. I believe that I did not kiss many, but I do not remember. I had my mind in target because of the Piscos. I won I answer last night in one taverna. I paint in super napkins good! Chow my amors.

-----------------

Que Rico!!!

Hola Caballeros!!!

¿Tienen tuto Uds? Yo tampoco. ¿como estan Ustedes? Bien aqui!

Dos semanas atras, yo fui a un fiesta, y no me recuerdo cuanto mujeres besé. Yo creo que yo no besé muchas, pero yo no recuerdo. Tuve mi mente en blanco por causa de los Piscos.

Yo gané un contesto anoche en una taverna. Yo pinto en servilletas super bien!

Chow mi amors.

Here piggy piggy piggy

Holy shit.

So in my pissed off stupor I looked up Blynch on google. I think I may have just shit my pants when that third thing on list read "honeypump message board."
I'm happy again. Taht shit is just too damn funny...
But those beer stealing thieves are still buttholes.

Mother Fuckers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so fucking pissed right now it ain't even funny. I know that it's stupid that I'm mad, but fuck it I'm steaming. I don't care why or what you have to go and do(you know who I'm talking to you assholes), but at least leave me the fucking beer. I mean at least leave me the half that I paid for you shitty dicks. I am currently in a house with no beer, and have been in this place for more than two hours now because some people are inconsiderate dicks. I'm serious, some of us don't just like to drink but feel it is our duty, and just because you got some booty don't take my only job away...somethingelse that ryhmes with ooty. This is the other reason I'm as pissed as I am. I would not have drank all that beer tonight. I would have made sure that I had some for football tomorrow. NOW! In the glorious state of Texas you can't buy beer until noon on Sundays and I don't want to miss any fucking football and I sure as shit don't want to have leave the fucking house to buy beer that I've already bought. AGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I'm killing someone tomorrow.
MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, October 04, 2003

blynch giveth

how does the label of winner apply?
instead, i call sinner and demand that you cry.
i thought we were kin? does my buddy deny?
that perfect cd is a dream and a lie.

you made me want something that i cannot have.
therefore you, the winner, have had the last laugh.



(you did give me the cd in my mind though "last night i broke the seal, of a jim beam decanter, and then i drank it. now quit lollygaggin around and let's go get my furniture back from that woman. yabba dabba doo.")

Only Ray

I had a dream last night that Ray and I were at the carnival and he won a cd of John Wayne singing George Jones songs.
Ray wins everything.

jami checks in

this blog was phoned into me last night...

"oatmeal cookies and lime juice are great when you are drunk."

this harkens back to the grand ol' existance which is Life Cereal ads.
"Hey, let's get Jami, she'll eat anything"
with enough hot sauce on it.

the quotes

i don't know many of those quotes but i know that "i'm a pretty princess" must be J.R. in the final episode of dallas

i think he said it when he was dying

So the seahorse wins does he?

So i started playing a game of poker with this seahorse that lives in my head yesterday
(yeah, that's right, i'm a little stupid right now... but hey... this story must be told)
and the seahorse... even though he was smaller then me.... and even though he was out of the water and all dried up on the poker table... STILL BEAT ME. my god that really upsets me because the damn thing isn't even real in the first place!

i hope this story verifies the fact that i could very feasibly end up as one of those shopping cart ladies that have six thousand cats and always buy those dented, unlabeled food cans at the scary flea markets (they're located towards the back in the weird dark tents).

Thursday, October 02, 2003

BEER

sorry I called you stupid in that last post. I didn't mean it.
Please come back to me I said I was sorry.
Fine go. JUST GIT THEN!
No baby don't go. You know I only yell cause I love you.
Yeah, I'm gonna change.
Now that we're better, why don't you just go ahead and open your top and make me happy.

This post has been brought to you courtesy of Major League Baseball Playoffs being shown during the day and my sweetie, BEER.

Listen up quotey

I'll start with the first one-
Grrrr-Invader Zim
Who will taken on Russell's challenge and fill in for quote #2?
There are actually two quotes on there that I don't know. Stupid beer.

name that quote

"Hello floor, make me a sandwich"
"Whereda you get that beauty scar tough guy----eating pussy"
"I am a pretty princess"
"mmmmm doughnuts"
"Your father he is" (think green & little)
"Damn it Ray"
"Booop"
"Whaca watching"--"Angry monkey"---"ah angry monkey"

PS

You guys are all better than gravy. No matter what Russell says.

LISTEN UP YOU

DIRTY LOW DOWN MUTHA FUCKAS!!!
(I'm typing this message in caps cause I felt like yelling.)
THE NAME 'CORPAROL BRITISH MIDGET' IS FUNNY!
I FOUND MY FAVORITE PICTURE ON FRIENDSTER THIS EVENING AND IT INSPIRED ME!
NOT TO YELL, BUT TO BUILD SOMETHING.!
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH OATMEAL OR NUDITY, BUT WHEN YOU PUT THE TWO TOGETHER YOU GOTS PROBLEMS YO!
I AGREE WITH RUSSELL, BAMBOO ROCKS!
WHY DIDN'T SCOTT BAKULA EVER QUANTUM LEAP INTO A TIME BEFORE PEOPLE?! I FUCKING LOVE THAT SHOW, BUT WHY DIDN'T THAT HAPPEN?
I WANT MONKEYS AT THE PETTING ZOO!
You guys ain't low down mutha fuckas.
GOOD NIGHT!!!aka three more beers then sleeping

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Gravy

NOTHING is better then Gravy!
That is the fucking truth.

as long it is hot!

white, brown, red eye, turkey, fish gravy-- it's all great!

Do NOT judge

I LOVE STUPID MOVIES!!!!
It kills me that most people don't find the joy and fun in these movies that I do, but that is just the way the cookie crumbles. (yeah, I said it.)
On with the story.
The Boat Trip dvd has the best setup menu of all fucking time. I cannot tell you what it is, cause it would hurt me to ruin that much fun.
ALSO, should you happen to be under the influence...of things, watch the first 5 minutes of Kangroo Jack. All I'm saying is that myself and three others were about to wet our pants over little black superman.