Sunday, November 30, 2003

i'm on to you...and you..and you, and you, and you

i just received an email from hollywood. yep, hollywood, and not the one in florida either, the REAL one by las vegas, not the vegas in new mexico either, the REAL one, by the hoover dam. anywho, this lady proceeds to write that she is blah blah from blee bloo productions, griggle hoobie slop snart. that part is really unimportant. REALLY unimportant. i will now get to my point before you figure out how unimportant this blog is. she ended the email like this:

vice-queen of unimportant
blee bloo productions
1#$2$ beachwood dr., SUITE 17
lost angeles, i'll be back, numbers

my point is this...every single person in los angeles, 12% of new york city, and one person in oklahoma knows that there are no "suites" on beachwood dr. it's the beginning of the beloved beachwood canyon. it's apartments sister. you work in apt. 17 of an apartment building with at least 17 units. i do not dis because you work from your apartment (i have worked from home for 7 years) but you ain't foolin nobody no how. have some respect for yourself and the others in this less than honest business and CHANGE THAT CARD! LOWER THAN A SUITE? IT'S A #! you had better change it. i know where you live.

next week i will be ragging on mother teresa's shoe.

Saturday, November 29, 2003


monkey was using my computer to blog. be careful. i guess she knows how to use a computer.

You cannot escape me Ray.

Friday, November 28, 2003

Oh my blog.

People become crazy on the busiest shopping day of the year.

So Casey, John Scott, and myself just started a new tradition this morning. Tailgating Wal-Mart the day after Thanksgiving. It is AWESOME! I wish I could put the Wal-Mart pictures on here, but I don't have a scanner. These are just a few of the pictures from Target and the mall. Enjoy.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

I think Whataburger's is the fanciest

and i'm not alone... I wish I would have written this article...

There's something about Whataburger
Texas-sized burgers, heavenly ketchup and a killer breakfast menu set this fast-food giant apart

D'IBERVILLE - The orange and white striped roof and "flying W" logo of Whataburger fast-food restaurants elicits a Pavlovian response in me. Once I see it, I immediately crave one of three things: a breakfast Taquito, the chain's hearty, distinctive take on the breakfast burrito; a Whataburger with cheese and jalapenos; and last, but certainly not least, an order of fries with at least two little tubs of the deliciously sweet, one-of-a-kind ketchup.

Until a few months ago, the closest Whataburger to the South Mississippi was in Mobile, which is where I developed a lifelong attachment to fast food during college. To me, it was the little things that made Whataburger different from its closer-to-campus counterparts: the soft buns for the Texas-sized burgers, the way the cheese melts to the inner skin of the breakfast burrito, almost forming another heavenly layer, and strangely, the ketchup.

Apparently, I'm not the only Whataburger ketchup fan. On the company Web site, there's a section where customers can write about their Whataburger experiences. Janna Otting of Mesquite, Texas, had this to say about her meal: "I don't know what it is, but there's just something about the taste of a Whataburger. I can even distinguish the smell of a Whataburger from other burgers. And I absolutely love your ketchup. I always have to get at least four ketchups with an order of fries."

"It's higher quality, fancy ketchup," says Dick Meader, one of the partners who opened the D'Iberville franchise in September. Of course, all fast food executives would say this, but Whataburger's ketchup is actually far better than any I've eaten. It doesn't hurt that it comes in cute, user-friendly little tubs that are perfect for dipping.

Though a few Whataburger fans might beg to differ, it's silly to say the restaurant's menu revolves around the ketchup. From its beginning as a small burger stand in Corpus Christi, Texas, in 1950, Whataburger prided itself on offering big, juicy hamburgers. It didn't even offer French fries until 1962. If I had to compare the burger to something South Mississippians are familiar with, I would say it's more similar to Sonic, than say, Hardee's. It's big, and you have to hold it with two hands.

The burgers are a great standby, but one of my favorite items on the menu is the Taquito, available from 11 p.m. to 11 a.m. daily. It's a truly heavenly concoction of scrambled eggs with either sausage, hash browns, or bacon, wrapped in a soft flour tortilla. It comes with picante sauce. Add cheese and a side of fries (and plenty of ketchup), and it's the ultimate in comfort food.

Alas, one of my favorite lighter items on the menu, the chicken fajita, is no longer available, but Meader says the restaurant is considering bringing it back. They now offer a grilled chicken strip salad, however, that Meador says is one of his favorite meals. He adds jalapenos and cheese and light vinagrette.

On the flip side, healthwise, Whataburger also makes thick, old-fashioned milkshakes that are delicious.

Cooks don't start making your food until you order it, and there's no food sitting under heat lamps. This can mean a short wait, but it's well worth it.

A classic fast-food success story, Whataburger is approaching 600 locations in the U.S. and Mexico. The buildings' look has evolved from the older, 1950s-style A-frame, like the one in Mobile, to a more traditional, lower-to-the-ground building. Many franchisees like to decorate the interiors with photographs showing the history of Whataburger, but some give the eateries a more regional flair, like one in Texas that is a virtual shrine to the Dallas Cowboys.

Being the first South Mississippi Whataburger, the D'Iberville store shows pictures that help diners get to know the chain. There's a picture of the first, humble hamburger stand all the way down to the recently built, 6,000-square-foot Corpus Christi flagship restaurant, which overlooks the water, a bronze statue of the founder and fountains. The Gulfport restaurant will probably tie in pictures from Gulfport's history, he says.

After more than 50 years, Mississippi finally figures into Whataburger's growth. A Jackson restaurant opened a few weeks before the D'Iberville one, and groundbreaking on one on U.S. 49 in Gulfport should happen any day if it hasn't already. Meador says he hopes to open that restaurant by Christmas. Depending on customer response, there could be as many as 15 Whataburgers built in the area in coming years, Meador says. "Response so far has been great," he says. "We get really hectic in here and people are driving from Pascagoula and even Hattiesburg to try us out."

South Mississippi's first Whataburger is convenient to both Wal-Mart and Lowe's off Interstate 10 in D'Iberville, so many people make a meal part of their one-stop shopping. But even if it's not in your neck of the woods, Whataburger is open 24/7, so if you have a craving in the wee hours, they're ready to serve you.


Fancy Ketchup

that's a very, very, very good question Blynch. and why is mayonnaise never fancy? i bet the first company to create fancy mayonnaise got booed right off the stage at the Grand Condiment Festival.

I promise I'm not stoned...

Maybe a little drunk, but not stoned. Anyway, why is some ketchup "fancy?" I don't get it. Someone please help me with this.

Monday, November 24, 2003

just for fun...

T H E   D I C K   A N D
J A N E   R E A D E R   F O R
A D V A N C E D   S T U D E N T S .

Dick and Jane went on a picnic. They spread the picnic blanket under a tree. Spot chased butterflies.

Dick thought Jane was pretty. Jane thought Dick was handsome.

Because Jane was polite, she poured lemonade for Dick first.

Dick unpacked a stew with fish in it. It was a dish from his native land. Dick's real name was Roberto. He was from a country called Peru.

Jane asked, "What is that funny smell?" Then she remembered her manners and put on a happy face.

Dick paid attention to Jane. He saw the frown before she remembered to smile.

"It is important to try new things," Dick said. "It is not nice to make fun."

Jane wished she had a boyfriend who grew up in America. Her last boyfriend had seen every episode of The Brady Bunch. He also liked to sing the theme song to The Jeffersons.

Dick said, "I think you will like it." He held a spoon up to Jane's mouth and raised his eyebrows. He knew she liked it when he acted sexy.

Jane wished Dick would stop the Latin-lover act. A little of that went a long way, especially now that the sex was routine.

Spot ran across the picnic blanket. "Spot, go to sleepy," Dick said. "Go to sleepy." Spot did not want to take a nap. He wanted to see if Jane's poor self-image ruined another date.

Jane wished Dick did not have an accent. After living in Los Angeles for five years, she was a racist.

Dick put the spoon down. He thought, Jane is being close-minded. That is too bad, because trying new things can make you smarter.

Jane thought, Dick is not a very good boyfriend. My friend Mary said he is only a C+, and it is important to get As and Bs in school and in life. However, my high-school reunion is next month. If I show up with Mary, the lesbian rumors will start again. I wish boys did not make fun of girls who played sports.

Dick said, "A penny for your thoughts, Jane."

Jane thought, Next time I will suggest a movie, so we do not have to talk as much. However, she did not say it out loud. That would have been very rude.

Jane said, "My mother said if you cannot say anything nice, do not say anything at all."

Dick thought, Now I know why she did not have a boyfriend for two years. He did not say it out loud because he knew Jane took kickboxing classes at Crunch.

Jane saw an angry look on Dick's face. She knew she had to cheer him up if she wanted him to attend her high school reunion.

Jane asked, "Would you like a blow job?"

"That would be very nice," Dick said. He remembered why he went out with Jane.

As Dick and Jane lay down in the back of Dick's sport utility vehicle, Spot ate the spicy stew. He wanted to help. Spot knew Jane was a racist who saw the stew as a symbol of Dick's ethnicity. He also knew it added to her deep-seated feelings of shame.

Jane breathed through her nose and thought, There must be an easier way to keep a man.

Roberto thought, Jane got the hint about a more gentle technique. Maybe I will invite her to my company party after all.

Later, Spot went number two a lot. He wished he had not eaten the stew. Sometimes Jane forgot her chores. That meant Spot did not go for a walk every day.

Spot thought, I know I should not be a scorekeeper, but Jane makes me mad. Next time I will let her fall into a shame spiral like usual.

Except for Jane and Spot, everyone had a very good time at the picnic.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

captured by robots!! YEAH!!!

just saw a band called "captured by robots"
it consisted of one man and 8 REAL ROBOTS THAT PLAY THEIR OWN INSTRUMENTS.
HOLY SHIT it was so fucking cool.
there was 2 drummer robots, a guitar and bass robot, a keyboard monkey/robot, 3 horn section robots, and a little cymbal robot.

this dude FUCKING ROCKED. these robots were the REAL DEAL. they weren't just animatronic robots that played to backing tracks (like at showbiz or chucky cheese's). NO. these were RAW, homemade robots that ACTUALLY played their own instruments and sang.

but it gets even better. this guy performed the ENTIRE movie "the ten commandments" (the one with charlton heston) as a musical. yes. that was his show (at least for this tour). the keyboard monkey was THE LORD and the little cymbal monkey was the baby Jesus and the drummer was Nefertiti and he played Moses.

this dude travels from town to town (shacking up at whatever audience member's house he can crash at) and performs his robot band show. keep an eye out for this dude. FUCKING AWESOME SHOW.

Saturday, November 22, 2003


Dear Blynch


this is costing me 39¢ to connect ray bettah drink hes ass some watah OKC long distance


thank you ray fo r letting me post thins

Friday, November 21, 2003

Dear Hangover,

You sound like a 5 yearold with a headache. Would you like some action figures as well?
This may come as a shock to you, but we've know each other for one helluva long time and I honestly wish I'd never met you. You're my bad spouse joke "Can't live with em can't shoot em."
I hope I haven't hurt your feelings.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Dear Blynch

My next song is called howler monkeys on timpini drums. I like jumping jacks. Aspirin is my whiskey. I'm sleeping over again tonight.


Dear Hangover,

What can I do for you? I'll do anything if you'll just go away.
Want a beer?

i decree that

all moving picture scenes with vomiting should be scored with mexican horn music.

Este es mi nueva frase favorita

Soaking the whisker biscuit

Hello Mornin'

Why can't everyone else be like us?
I really mean that in the best way imaginable. I'm drunk.
Hot is red, cold is blue, and billowy is cotton balls.
-Rocky Dennis

Wednesday, November 19, 2003


I bought this today for 4.99

Monday, November 17, 2003

we gave birth to 'important'

and it grew up to be more important than us.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

hey derek

there's a pig in your shower


a little more than a decade ago, the crown jewels of hair metal were carelessly discarded underneath some vomit outside the roxy on the sunset strip. some tool from kansas (not the band) dusted them off and stowed them in his frontwards fanny pack. they have lived quietly crusty on his mantle until this past month when THE DARKNESS burgler rocked the doors off tools house, snatched those accoutremonts into "thing called love"'s reality, and wore that glam bitch bling like a quinceanera sash. THE DARKNESS fucks greatness and has bug-eyed perfect great space octopus babies. Metalshop Monday's at the viper room may have tried on these heirlooms like a 4 year old prep-school rug-rat tryin on clothes in mamma's closet, but THE DARKNESS 'gasms mom's cooch while dad dons her middle school jelly shoes. we can only hope that a white stripe vines strokes skittering of rock perfect spiders out from their genius.


You totally put that burnt up piece of shit in my bed!!! FUCK YOU!
I walked into my room to go to sleep and what do I see?
That creepy burnt up piece of shit!
Are you SATAN, Ray?
Cause you left some death IN MY BED!


8 track willie

for those of you that haven't listened to "Red Headed Stranger" on an 8 track while boozed up in front of a wood burning fireplace on a cold, foggy night, surrounded by rare animals, and a melting plastic baby... are MISSING OUT on stupidity.

**it takes a LOOOONNNGGG time for a plastic baby to melt in a fire**

Saturday, November 15, 2003

scope does nothing

SCOPE does nothing but make your mouth minty for about ten minutes. it's glorified mint water.

on another note, last night i had a weird dream about Ker McGee. lately my dreams have been bland and uneventful in the most bizarre way. i dreamed that the late Ker McGee Oil & Gas Company had the same logo as CREST toothpaste.

i nominate scrushkin bird

for vice-chancellor in charge of group reactionary face representation.

job description: we decide how we feel about something and she makes the face for it.

i also move for the creation of a scoop of names to choose from for incoming delegates and their families. i also move for a beer machine in the break room.
i hate moving.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

get on it!

mmkay, somebody think of something fucken cool to do for new years and i'll do all the design for it. and it better involve me gettin kissed at midnight. by a human. a cute one. preferably male.

Either someone packed this box perfectly...

or something does not like riding to Oklahoma from Michigan via box

or it's just the riding to Oklahoma part.
what should we name it?

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

I thought Blynch could use a buddy buddy

Ray poses for bad cartoonist.

here. and here.

Monday, November 10, 2003

I just can't do it

I was going to continue to have this fake fight with Derek on the Blog, but the only mean thing I could think to say would be "You must think you're so cool in that jacket that looks like it should belong to a 7th grade English teacher and your way too casual tennis shoes," and that ain't even mean its just two inside jokes. So with nothing bad to say about Derek I'll leave it at that.
Your show was a shitload of fun and I'm very happy that I made it up there to see you guys.
I have missed drinking "real" Natty.
oh,should anyone reading this ever decide to visit OKC remember this, Saturday is dress to impress night.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

it's a bouncing baby...

i now own this weird bird google eye puppet scrushkin

i love him already

my drunk buddy

blynch made me make this

and i'm so glad i did


why does it cite ray as the person who posted my politcal meeting? what's going on with this weird blog? where's my flashy, blinking light?


I really need some salve for my vag.

i hate you futher muckers...




Vice President: "Presenting... The President."

President: "Hi. I wore this helmet today because of the brain damage I suffered last night and probably will suffer in days to come."

Vice President: "I have some Aloe Vera for that?"

President: "Really?"

Vice President: "I'll go get it, it's in the diamond encrusted, political medicine cabinet."

President: "Thanks weird pig puppet. I mean... thanks Vice President. Now... getting back to the subject at hand. I sure like Blynch and Ray and can't tell AT ALL when things are silly or real. You see... the President (myself) has a distorted reality field due to many factors that I will not utter on this blog (and probably never in real life). I have high hopes that this helmet will help. In closing... whether or not things are silly or real... whether or not boundaries have been crossed or recently outlined... whether or not the fence is low cut wood or rusted barb wire... whether or not blogs were prevented and cards were returned... drunk or sober... happy or sad... I will always love my friends Ray and Blynch. Why? Because you guys truly HATE ME when I'm not around. That's awesome."

Vice President: "I couldn't find the aloe vera. I think it's in my briefcase."

President: "Yeah, you need to find that briefcase, pig. I really want to press that awesome red button in there."


"I will love you, hex you, entice you. The President spends many English pesos for my services. It is his wish that I extend them to you. To make such an offer means The President holds you in high regard. The President blogs for comedy. The President knows nothing about ball busting. The President knows only hand shake and milk shake and martini mixing technique. The President sends love through me... TWIRLY GIRL. I love you. I put you in trance. LOVE trance."


"I like to eat shit with my mouth. I prefer to eat my own shit."

ANNOUNCING the Head of State

"It is my duty to inform any fellow political officals including represtatives of the great country of Texas, that any interactions with the President last night must be taken with a grain of salt, some chips, and some queso. Please wash it all down with a glass of B-12. The President loves his current foreign visitor and wishes to give him a first class experience."


"I love Blynch. I really love Blynch. Blynch holds me up when I slip in an alley way and hit my head on a dumpster. Does anyone have any hypodermic needles?"


"We absolutely love the company of Mr. Blynch and associates (beer). As much as we'd like to spend every waking hour of our entire lives with him, sometimes we must go to bed. Please rest assure that we will awake the next day ready to continue our diplomatic responsibilites which currently are: Hang out with Blynch. Get wasted with Blynch."


First announcing the VICE PRESIDENT OF ENGLAND (who has abandoned the search for his brief case to be here tonight).

"On behalf of the president, I as well as my fellow cabinet members, the secretary of state, and a dog will all be apologizing for and explaining our current foreign policy. We acknowledge that mistakes have been made and apologize for them."


Ray... were you trying to spell onion?


going to town

Dear Derek,
How dare you try to quote me from your bedroom you little bitch.
I am so disgusted with the fact that you would hide in your room rather than hang out with us, but the fact that you misquoted me and put words in my mouth makes me want to meet you at the bar tomorrow night and give a taste of a real bar fight.
How dare you take this lightly and continue to make me look like a dick when you wouldn't even let Ray use the computer at your house to respond.
Are we really not friends anymore?
the real blynch...people


BOOP mother fuckers.
I'm totally booping you.
Ha! Ha!
That's 3!
By the time I'm done with you you'll be so covered in BOOPS you're gonna look like a pile of Dolly Parton jokes.
That's 5!
I am so good at booping you mother fuckers.
Take that!

sweet dreams.


Actual Transcription...

"I love licking men.
I love jail.
I hate Austin.
I think beer tastes like brown lettuce.
I throw up easily.
I can not stand mexican food or steak.
I like to watch football because I have repressed sexual desires involving men.
I like picking flowers and wearing pink floral outfits."



I'll tackle him!


Blynch says..

fuck you.
i said fuck you.
type it again motherfucker i said fuck you.
i will go find a son-of-a-bitch in a station wagon just to get you to hang out with me.
that's a good puppet.
puppet buddy.
you're the cutest thing ever.
you are fancy and we don't like you.
you have a fire shitter?
i want a fire shitter.
those dogs are so awesome.
you are the cutest puppey ever.
you are awesome.


Blynch says..

Friday, November 07, 2003


"I don't want to fall in love with bowling."


dear derke

thanks for your intereste in our karagte dogs. please in clude your address and other contact information with your next emaiol and we will sed you one.


our watiredss took pictures with our camera with out asking permission.

the end.

you loose.

bye bye now.

let's write a christmals song...

that's december corn
so the sheep are been shorn
felleings felleings felleings
do you really want my hat
if i give it will you give it back
felleings felliegns felleings
light a candle for all those whoe sont be bher tonight
sprakel in the ey
now we carve the turkeys
with our initioals dont touch me 5th3

i hope you have as much ahppey as a you can goat

blyndch and ray

blingd people suck.

My Dog Know Karate?

Blynch.. I must tell you right now... my dog does not know Karrate. Does that answer your question? No karate. guess what? you keep thinking my dog knows karate? well, no. it doesnot know jarate. i'm being serious here. it's just a plain old dog. wait... wait... wait.... hold up. wait just a god damned second. i don't even HAVE a dog. where did you get the idea that my nonexistent dog knows karate BLYNCH? that whole concept just makes me depressed because dammit... i wish i had a dog that knew karate. just a little karate. like a few chops and kicks. maybe a roundhouse kick? a yellow belt. that comes right after white. i wish i had a dog and i wish it knoew enough karate to get a yellow belt (that means it must chop three boards with its paw or tail). thank you blynch for pointing out two things i don't have. a dog. and a dog with extensive yellow belt karate knowledge.


Wednesday, November 05, 2003

john stamos saves

i'm just now going to bed, you see, my cell phone has been ringing non-stop since i got home... a fax machine calling. unknown number.

i had to forward my calls to my home phone and then set up my mac to receive a fax. plug the phone line into the computer, wait for the call again...

mother fucker, it's ringing AGAIN!!!

i received the fax, looked at the "reply to", called Rachel at Pett Productions ( in fucking England to get her fucking fax to Shanus in L.A. to stop coming to Ray in Oklahoma. fucking fuckity fuck fuck fucker fuck.

i did use 10-10-987 to call western europe for only 3 cents per minute and a 39 cent connection fee. thanks john stamos.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

so good i can't even stand it

OK, more mail from David Filipek. (these things {} are my {not davids} parantheticals {that's my first time to ever type that word, i ain't even gonna spell check it cuz i don't give a good god damn})

Back to David...Same lil' envelope. Same lil' return address stamps. 'Greetings from Maine' postage. Brand new five dollar bill, another even newer two dollar bill {more nifty}, and two dimes taped neatly to the center of the note.

The letter reads...

Dear Raymond, {he's the only one, don't any of you ever call me this}

Thanx for the jeans. I graciously accept your generous offer, but I would like to pay for the postage.

I live in Alameda (an island in the San Francisco Bay) which is right next to Oakland. I have very good Oakland A's baseball tix. If you ever come to town give me a 2 week notice and I'll make sure you see an A's game (if they're in town).

I bought the OK Sooner football team in an auction (for $65.00) {we assume not the real one} at the beginning of the season. If they win the Nat'l Title, I'll collect about $550, and if they are runner-up, I'll collect about $170. I'm a big OK St. Cowboy fan as well {I wish I lived on Oklahoma Street, ok, ok I know it's OK State. Wait 'til he finds out I'm an Aggie}, but because of the winnings involved I'll be pulling for the Sooners tomorrow.



You hear that! "Yours". I'm his. I'm his because of a dumb pair of jeans. I'll be watchin' and a prizin'.