Thursday, December 25, 2003

The Day I Held Christmas Hostage

I know you want to know how it ended. In all fairness I should explain how all of it got started. All of this is true. Let's go back a little...

In recent years, when Christmas approaches, my nose starts to crinkle and my mouth tightens like it is faced with lemon dog shit (I'm sure you can guess why). Of course, in public I'm always wearing my la la happy bear faced mask. Inside, I'm a writhing ball of tree needles. About a week ago, I decided that if Christmas was going to be half-assed again this year, why not go all out and make it no-assed? Or better still, negative-eleven-assed! That’s it! That’s what I would do. I am going to make this Christmas sooo assy that it has to borrow ass-Christmas’s from the future! This Christmas will take the ass-bullet for holidays to come. It will be so assy that everything after it will feel like stripper-sex (I assume).

Basically, too many things had built up between us and we needed an emotional enema. How would I go about it? Dad and Todd are so numb right now that anything I do will carry the brontosaurus effect and not reach their brains until Easter (fam. def. - mythical Catholic holiday possibly involving peeps). “Nothing stings like the truth,” I thought. “Your fat, why don’t you just go to your relatives', eat pie, and quit bein’ a lil’ bitch!” Shut-up me.

I started by telling my brother that I didn’t want to go in with him for Dad’s gift (he owe’s me from last year). Later that day I told them that I didn’t want to spend Christmas there because I needed some time away from their antics. Todd understood, Dad was baffled (he’s always baffled by me). Cut to yesterday, Dad makes a last ditch, I say ‘no’, I send email. Here’s how it went down…

Christmas Eve:

08:05 pm
email sent

10:40 pm
dad leaves message

12:38 am
I listen to message. Dad says that I shouldn’t be concerned with physical stuff and that I should be concerned with emotional stuff (duh) and that I should pick up my phone and that I should get down there. Obvious to me that he has not read the email yet and is going off previous conversations.

01:10 am
I decide to wrap the last two presents to take down there in the morning (Oh yeah, didn’t I tell you? I had planned to go all along and show up with presents. Sorry. *grin-wink*) I’m such a bastard, I know, but Mom really used to say that everyone should have a present to open on Christmas Morning and I was determined to make that happen.

01:50 am
off to bed

02:45-03:15 am
finally fall asleep

Christmas Day!:

07:00 am
wake up to a messy house, no santa, and I’m hungry. All I have is eggs. I had no idea if any store was open. I had no plans of eating with relatives. I did not know what kind of Love’s truck stop beef jerky feast awaited. Fuck it, I’m gonna celebrate with eggs. Fuck you Turkey! Fuck you mashed potatoes. Ham and pie, walk away... walk the fuck away. Cilantro for green, Louisiana hot sauce for red, viola! (intentional) Christmas eggs. Pan in the sink “to soak”, presents in car, I’m out the door.

10:10 am
Todd calls. “Hey,” I said. “Merry Christmas,” he said. “You too,” I said. “If you disown me, I disown you! FUCK YOU!” “I guess y..” Click.

At this point I could only assume that I had gotten their attention.

Little did Todd know that I was only 30 minutes from his house.

10:11 am
wow, he was pissed. Did I go too far? WOW, Todd was pissed. I had only wanted to "wake up" and piss off my Dad. Todd was only supposed to be a residual piss off. It's the only way they listen. Nope, I had come this far and I was going to finish it... finish it for dysfunction everywhere.. finish it... for those people! (farm shack outside Denton) Hell, they were probably shouting at or fucking each other with their presents by now. I will do it for them...them and gravy... and potential sanity.. also bacon. salt lick. I need a speeding ticket. I accelerate to eighty-twoooo.

10:35 am
arrive at Dad's. first day of school jitters. Do I go up the drive and into the side garage? HELL NO! We are going to do this on the FRONT LAWN! White trash propah. I pick up my cell. "This is Todd." Good, he didn't look at caller i.d. "I'm outside if you want to talk." "OK.", he replied.

10:36-10:38 am
Todd looks in the garage for me.

10:39 am
Todd pokes his head out the front door and sees me. Goes back in.

10:40 am
Todd pokes his head out the door. Todd realizes I mean to do this on the lawn and comes out.

10:41-10:44 am
Initially, I let him go first. Accuse, accuse, accuse. then the tennis match...Accuse. Deny. Justify. Justify. Justifyjustify. deny. cry a little. deny. hiccup a little.

10:45 am
Dad comes to the door to ask if I would come in and help him fix his computer. I tell him to call tech support and that I really had some important things going on. He finally comes to terms that I am really upset. He asks to go inside to talk. I told him a polite, "No, the neighbors cannot hear us very well when we are inside."

10:46-12:00 pm
We settle on the backyard. They get the point. I get a Ryobi "The Works" tool set with electric chain saw. I fix Dad's computer. Hugs. Back to Oklahoma.

01:30ish pm
I watch a maroon convertable camero drive past me.

02:23 pm
The convertable has been in a wreck. Everyone seems OK.

02:24 pm
I think about the scene in "A Christmas Story" where Ralphie goes blind from being punished with soap in the mouth and he thinks about how sad his parents would be for him. If I had seen that wreck on the way to Dallas, my seven year old brain from five hours earlier would have totally been, "If I get into a wreck on the way to see them, that'll show 'em. Then they'll be sad. Yeah. Sad." Seven year olds are so selfish. But sometimes they are fun.

06:32 pm
I arrive at the house and by some postal miracle and three cat lives, Todd's present for me is sitting in between the screen door and the front door. He got it to me on time. Great, now I'm the dick.

The end.

thanks for sharing my Christmas with me.

I think I dropped a sock.





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