Sunday, February 29, 2004

Drunk on a Sunday Evening

They did a Bill Hicks tribute tonight at the Green Door.
it's the tenth anniversary of his death.
the tribute wasn;t all that great, but dammit, okc is trying.
they're trying.

i think that';s what makes this city interesting.
it's completely void of all things good.
art isn;t supported here.
the beer is 3.2.
and the people are very odd.

but... i feel like i'm apart of a revolution.
the changing of a world.

VIVA INTERESTING!

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

while i was at the bar

while playing fooze ball and drinking beers
a old old dog decided he needed to piss
so he did right there on the floor
i laughed because it was funny
no one but us two saw the dog squat
but i don't think many would have minded if they did see him
the bar does has a sign that says
"Pets welcome, children must be on leashes"
i like that bar.

broken

broken, broken, broken.
my neck doesn't work anymore.
my back is wrung out.
my knees got crushed in a vice.
drunk.
drunk and dumb.

Monday, February 23, 2004

i should not drink again ever never

i dreamt that brittany spears and i became friends and she was really cool and her hometown had a radio station that only played her songs and somehow we could pick up that station and i was like "wow, i've never heard that song" and "hey, is this a new song of yours" only i was saying this in the mind of my mind so i wouldn't offend my new best friend brittany spears by not knowing all of her songs which from the look of our head bobbing and lower lip biting were really good. sooo, basically, when i drink too much and smoke real cigarettes, my mind takes it upon itself to make up full length brittany spears songs. the END.

for the 2nd night in a row

Fantasy Island rules all that ever was television. in the past 25 hours i have seen the funniest television EVER (since awhile). including gilligan, leslie nielson, mr. howell, omniperfect roarke and tatoo, berlinda tolbert (mrs. lionel jefferson) and so many more. this is the best show on television. i will not talk to any of you until you watch and quote an episode. seriously. bye.

-ray

cookie box fails

random package of crackers saves the day. cardboard taste lingrrrrrs.

fuck fondue

the shit ass corn silk whiskey dick two-tining fondue fork is back in the sink. i'm blogging while i warm the pasta back up and oragami my scoop out of a girl scout thin mint flap cover. bitttcheeeessssss

as i'm waiting..

for my (derek's) 'it's pasta anytime!'s to cool down, i thought i share. it's 3:15 (duh) and i just toggled back from charlies (hi-lo {best bar ever} neighbor). clearly i'm not drunk enough to not use parentheticals whereever the fuck i feel like. my lungs hurt. so, i'm 'wavin one of derek's pasta meals in the 'wave and in the meantime i'm on safari for a fork. i notice a pasta wrapper (not vanilla ice) on top of the microwave.

there are NO forks in the studio. derek had to eat with sumthin. puppet stick (a.k.a. used {bought at a shitty garage sale by me} fondue) fork in the sink. puppet...MIA.

my (derek's) food's ready

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Types of Karaoke....type 2 - salty!

types of Karaoke....type 1 - SWEET

Saturday, February 21, 2004

dont you fucking go back inthere and blog

you are still blogging

i staid mad at derek and matt for 9.2 seconds. bitcheeeesssss

I just heard...

I just heard ray's response to my last blog. I seriously heard him GASP when he read it.
He went.... "HUGH? YOU JUST BLOGGED!"

My first Angry Ray Prewitt

For the first time ever I really pissed off ray prewitt. I feel privileged. I made ray ANGRY. He was really mad. He wanted to film something weird tonight so he went and got his video camera and brought it back to the bar. Then he gave it to a bunch of drunk people (matt and myself) and got mad when we didn;t film what he wanted. i think he wanted to stick a napkin up his nose and recite a poem or some shit. whatever it was, he got reallty mad when it didn;t get filmed. it was awesome. he told me that we needed a code word so we'd know when he was serious. i told him we should use a code PHRASE. i suggested the code phrase: "change the batteries". whenever ray says, "change the batteries," that means he's serious and you can;t fuck around with him. or maybe that means that's the best time to fuck around with him? i don;t knoiw/

whatever it means... ray got reylly, really, really, mad at me for the first time. this is a monumental experience. it's a monument. a monument of biblical porportions. i have the first time i became freinds with jami on film (the piggy back ride picture) and I also have the first time ray go treally pissed at me on video.

HOOOORAAYYY!!!!

before flipside

there was mardi gras. tonight would have been the hermes parade. we always missed this one because we were driving in from where ever. the only reason we knew it went down was that there were all these necklaces with flying feet everywhere, sara, jami, elaine, mel, wrapping lips around any two legs totin' trinket o' the day. tomorrow, is the endymion parade. jami and i punk rocked the ball one year after i had gone with a legit ticket. she donned a bad-ass afgan green thing and i pulled a parade costume from the trash. we strutted thru like we had just bought the superdome with the winnings from a bingo pull tab. "you'll have to wear your costume if you want to stay in the party" belched the drone towards my jeans, t-shirt, and 'official' garbage garb draped over the one arm not toting the non-tea-totalling ticket. sunday is bacchus parade. god of wine. such a blur. john goodman ninety somethin what happeednnd waus beeeeeeeeeesd fuck off i alreeady deceeded not tow okis you ok ok ok ok fine im fine fine fineme where am we. monday, nothing. UNTIL HARRY connicke mutha funckin jr made orpheous. good job. more blur. stay up till tuesday, ZULU. COCONUTawesomebloodymarydonutmuffalettayumcamerawhere. KING REXXXXXX. don't we have to be inclass toomroow CAAAARMEEENNNNNN DRINKS. quarter grocery mey feet hurt. take a cab to the harbour, what the fuck no bread puddin bbbaaaaaaby. swim in the missssisssissssppppiiiii lead poison rainbow gaterh. happy mardi gras bitttchesss. scotch.

MY schedule

how many of these blogs have been started and never been posted?

anyway, i am finally geting drunk on MY schedule (thank you derek), and I have a few observations of my own own own.

foremost and shallowmost, drink beer when you have a cold instead of whiskey because it flushes everything out and gives you a nice buzz when combined with all the dayquil you have been popping. also, you don't have to pee as much. i drank FIVE beers before I broke the seal because i was so dehaydrated from having the flu for the last 5 weeks. it was great. i kept my place up in front of the band for hours.

i heard so many songs tonight live that you wouldn't hear in a live in a bar otherwise - night moves, huey lewis n the news, blue oyster cult, and journey among some. i had humorous and unique commentary about each surprising tune but it's all gone now. but i know you know what i'm talking about.

i wore the most comfortable un-nashville ensemble tonight for my 1st foray in weeks out into the "scene" - a worn football jersey ray gave me, my bedazzled 501s, boots, a crazy-assed multi-painted cowboy hat, and for bling's sake, a sliver necklace with a jeweled cocktail drink hanging from it. After being made fun of by my nashville friends earlier in the evening, i gave up several of my accoutrements for their wearing pleasure once we got to our destination and they got drunk. fuck, where is that fucken cowboy hat, it was a favorite.

all i have to say is fuck it all. fuck what anyone else thinks. do what you feel. wear what you want. i know i'm preaching to the choir but fuck it all. ain't nothing accomplished by getting fancied up like every other tart in town. wear what you want and wear it with with attitude. and no one will fuck with you. they may not want to mug down with your ass, but they ain't gonna say a word. it's way more than likely they can't kiss worth a fuck anyway. it's surprising how many people can't, even into their 20s n 30s.

i can't say it better than that fucken dog - sit, ubu, sit.

you be you.


anyway, ya'll come visit my ass. i feel like a lonely satellite out here, trying to keep it going.
love, gan.

Friday, February 20, 2004

an email i sent to sara

Jake has been asking if there is anything that i wanted to do while we would be in texas and i kept saying no, just along for drive, i mean i am the showfer and all. But i thought of something. I want to hunt down the elusive giant duffou carp. I will hunt this fish down and serve him his rights. His right to die, i will have his carp lips on a string around my neck. oh yeah i will kick all yalls asses in 42 too. well there you have it, it will go down in history as another carp kill.......

flipwhat

and its only a few months away.........
got any ideas for the stuff we going to do.
i don't, but think of it daily
i thought maybe a grill cheese factory. ( but it was done at the real burning man)

Just Bloggin'

Man, I can;t wait for Flipside. I know there's gonna be a lot of new people and stuff, but all I really want to do is hang out with you fucking people for 5 days. I really could care less who else is there. Honestly every single one of you has taught me something about myself. I'm so glad i met you all. I;d still be some walled up, antisocial, uptight mental case if it weren;t for you motherfuckers. Damn it you all rule. Bynch, Ray, Russell, Colby, Sarah, Erica, Chris, etc., etc., etc. (if there are names i didn;t write down it's bcause you werebn;t at flipside with us or becase i'm really drunk right now.)

to hell with reality! For real! To hell with what we do with our time here on earth. to hell with all of it. good people. other souls that share the same love of life. living in the present. enjoying NOW. getting drunk, singing karaoke with fucking puppets, pissing on barbwire fences, making fun of the guy in the weird highschool wrestling outfit that sang "who let the dogs out", gettin scared by sexual soap women, being enticed by the dirty whores, and floating in the creek with the asshole fish that bite.

i love you all.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

What I should have said was...

Victoria is totally Derek&Ray.

Damn it!!!!

I wish there. Color me jealous,

wow!!!!!

Victoria just told me thst she can sound like an over weight post 40's black man.

dictionary.com

dictionary.com

Derek & Ray-awesome
ie: That Ween concert was totally Derek and Ray.

Much like a Whitesnake snog

Heere I go again on my own
I will try to say this one more time and this time I only hope that the feeling comes through.
You guys are awesome.
Ray, it is only fitting that they wouldn't answere a call from jail. Talk about icing on the fucking cake.
But let me get back to basics.
Ray,Derek,"old stumbly"aka Victoria, and Oklahoma Blynch...you guys kick ass.
And not in the traditional sense, but in the "I'm Blynch and I mean it sense."
I really do love you guys more than I think you'll ever know....this is more JDerek adn Ray focused.
You guys pretty much called "dibs" on the best things I've got. I'm so damn happy knowing that the things that make me happy are going to you guys afterwards. (read: John Wayne & the Owl)
Its not the wheels but you guys that make the bus go round and round.
Like McDonald's "I'm Lovin' it"

look two blogs below for explanation.

he,he,he



see blog below.

i called dad twice and todd 3 times

but i'm really not in jail
iminjail.wav

oh yeah....

there are no pianos in jail.

-oklahoma blynch

copyright

derk, ol' stumbly, red, and ray are copyrighting the following things:

half ass popcorn (popcorn that's halfway popped).
"the crappy pie" (8 cherries and 151).
"the exchange student" (meyers rum, bailey's irish creme, and sake).
and...
"the catch up" aka "the skid to a halt" (151 & sweet and sour with a sugar rim along with a blow job while you drink it)

Monday, February 16, 2004

can i come

i want to come to the tire candy factory, it will be just like willy wonka; i can eat the tread and lick the sidewalls, oh that will be fun, can i come, please; oh please want you let me come visit the candy tire factory!

another post

i've been blogging a lot lately.
i don't know why.
it's almost 4 in the morning and i have to get up in 3 hours to go work at the tire plant.
i can't decide whether or not i should just stay up all night. why the fuck not? bloodshot eyes can be cool sometimes.
on my way to work i'm gonna get two of those breakfast burritos from Whataburger. i like those. monday mornings smell like eggs and burning rubber. sausage and carbon black dust.
what the hell is a tire plant anyway? it's a novelty store. it's a movie set.
i tell ya, when those long strips of rubber come stretching through the big steel rolling pins, they come out on a conveyor belt and look exactly like black taffy. like black gum.
i hate licorice and i hate blackjack.
blugh.
at least i got Whataburger and some working tastebuds.
tickle the tastebuds and squeeze the heart.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

for a bunch a crap you might have to buy...

go to http://www.mcphee.com.

my favorites so far are the Pig Catapult, Windup Hopping Lederhosen and the Smoking Donkey.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

An Outlet

Sometimes I just need an outlet to plug in this crazy, empty cord. Sorry 'bout that last post.

Well people...

I think I'm going downhill.
And in this case, downhill in't a good thing.
It's too steep.
And there are lots of turns.
And there aren't any brakes.
And the steering wheel came off in my hands.
I think I have 2 years before I crash.
The road is somewhat straight right now.
But I've been looking at the map and I know that the turns are comin' up.
And this body ain't gonna handle 'em.
And this mind is runnin' out of quick fixes.
And if I bail out, I'll hit the pavement goin' 120.
So it comes to this:
Either I build a drag chute out of my clothes, or I'm completely and totally fucked.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

grammy stuff

Did you see that fox in that dress, and that bearded wonder, man what a spectacul!!!

Saturday, February 07, 2004

My Vote...

Goes to Russell for wrapping it all up with Acid.

Had to be Blogged

Damon called me up today and told me about a Poodle Grooming store on 23rd and Robinson. He wants to go hang out there all day. This is not a bar like in Austin. This is a real poodle grooming store. He wants to turn the act of hanging out at a poodle grooming store all day into an event called: Poodling.

"What did you do yesterday?"
"I poodled."

He also found a floral store next door called "FLORAL AND HARDY" and pointed out that if we crossed out the FL and the Y it would say "ORAL AND HARD".

I love that guy.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

high score

deduct 10 points for being late, but 5 bonus points for special word acid and emergency.

late entry

I was playing 42 with two dogs and sexy red head wearing nothing put her panties. I trumped the double 5 and the dogs got really pissed off, but instead of being pissed off they pissed on my carpet and left. Then I said fuck it and had sex with the red head, which by the way had tits the size of balloons. Then the dogs came back and beat me over the head with a dildo and had to go to the emergency room to get stiches and some bandages. Boy I will never do acid again!!

By the wyay...

i lvoe the shit out of blynch because he's the only person that decided to get drunk on my shcedule. these words better not count against me because they]re not a part of my story. oh yeah... susan ebert is also awesome cause she came to the bar to get drunk with me, too. blynch and susan ebert are the best people ever.

My Sotry

Hi. I'm a CARPET salesman. One day, I was out trying to sell CARPET to my next door neighbor when his DOGS attacked me and bit me hard. I bled all over the fuckin' place. I needed BANDAGES. I really did. So... I called my girlfriend and made her bring over her PANTIES so i could use them as a BANDAGE. I wrapped the PANTIES around my face (that's where I got bit) and everything was better. That was until I walked acorss the street to my other neighbors’ yard and their pet BALLOON attacked me. I tried to play cards with it but it TRUMPED me and bit my face off. Now I hate DOGS and BALLOONS forever.

Blynch's contest entry

Julie by Blynch
The thing that always excited me about Julie was her carpet panties. She could wear those damn things the way a sick man wears a bandage. Until the Pomeranians got her.
She put up a good fight, but just couldn't stop those 7 rabid dogs. Those vicious things tossed her around like a mime with a balloon. I made it out to the funeral a few days later, even though it was Arbor Day, and even though she only had half a mouth left it looked like it was making that grin she showed every time she wore those carpet panties.
I've had country song luck with the women in my life, but Julie...she trumped my heart.

Our first Blogging contest

You must use these six words to make a short story of 120 hundred words or less
bandage
carpet
panties
dogs
trumped
balloon
You must also have your story completed by 8 am Feb.5, 2004.
The winner will be chosen based on votes from readers. To vote just comment on this blog with who you think the winner is.
Thank you and good luck.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

being drunk by yourself sucks

i generally get drunk on my friends' schedules.
but the second i get drunk on my schedule, no one wants to be drunk with me.
well... no more gettin' drunk on other people's schedules.
i'm gettin' drunbk on my own schedule from now on. that's it. that's fuckin' it.
damn i wish i had some friends near by that wanted to be drunk with me right now.
but i'm goin' it alone.
like i usually do.
drunk and stupid all by myself.
how pathetic is this picturee?
i gess i'm pathetic then.
wait a second... you can; post non happy stuff on the blog.
well... watch me.
:(
that's an unhappy smiley face.
i learned that from teenage girls that use AOL.
blah.

Yo Jami!

When are the Grammy's?
Is that even how you spell it?

And yet again

Another night of drinkin, smokin, Bon Jovi, and words without g's....not gangstas but the seventh letter of the alphabet. I'm off.
So I'm writing this because I overheard it today and it bothered me a bit.
I really don't like(read:can't stand it) when people say that they are "going to listen to records." Emphasis on "records." Fuck you. What the hell is on a record? MUSIC! Why can't you just say "I'm gonna go and listen to some music."? Why must you pretend to be better than me cause you listen to "records" or watch some "films"? I'm not really mad. I'm not.
I'm jealous.
When you say in your pretentious tone "I'm going back to the house to listen to some old jazz records" people usually nod with a sort of I wish I was doing that kind of admiration. But when I tell people "I'm going back to the house to watch some old Betas" people normally laugh in my face. I didn't even tell them what I was gonna watch! You could be going to your house to listen to old Loverboy ALBUMS, or Autograph ALBUMS, or maybe even some Rick Astley ALBUMS. Why the hell do you get the positive nod?
Its not like I said "Dudes, I'm sorry I can't hang tonight but I'm going back to my house to watch Cocoon and Short Circuit on my BetaMax. I just can't get enough of that Steve Gutenberg!"
Let me break it down in "Things to Make Blynch Cringe" MadLib:

Yeah, so me and my agent were at the (name of an overpriced too cool for you bar) drinking some (name of the drink they're having this month on sex and the city) and (insert name of an f-list celebrity) was totally checking me out.

I can't believe that you haven't heard of (name of person/band that no one but their mother has ever heard of). That is where (name of the new it band) totally stole all of their ideas from.

Ughh, I stopped using (name of a very popular every day product) cause they support (the new thing to hate for the week brought to you courtsey of the internet).

Now I'm not saying that I'm above being pretentious. NOT AT ALL. There are many times that you will catch me saying things such as "I'm going to drink some (Nattys) with (Ray)." OR "I'm going to the (bathroom) to (take a shit)."
I really don't have a problem with any of the people that I just picked on, cause I'm sure there really is stuff that I'm pretentious about and don't even realize it, I just wanted to say it.
I guess its back to my Felini and Bergman films.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

jami's unintentional blog

I have a party idea - we all get drunk, then watch the
thriller video and learn the dance and do it like a
line dance and then go to the that country bar on
Burnet (Dallas Niteclub?) and all do it to every song
and push the obnoxious line dancers that have ruined
C&W dancing off of the floor with our dance and fiber
cereal stench.

my hands are really cold in this house but much warmer
now than when I had my studio upstairs in the room
that had no heating vent. it was so bad - you know
those handwarmers you can buy to put in your pockets
when you go skiing? you break them and it causes a
chemical reaction and they stay warm? I used to have
to rubber band one of those to the back of my mouse
hand so it would stay warm because it would get too
stiff to move the mouse. And I'm not kidding either. A
modern day equivalent to times were so hard i had to
walk to school uphill both ways. i had to do that too,
though - there was a big hill in the middle of my
route to school.

give thanks early

We like the Quizno's

We like the moon is now being pimped in the new Quizno's commercial.
Weird.

Monday, February 02, 2004

Ahhhhhhh shit

I love the blog cause I don't give a shit about being totally honest. Hold on I gotta get another bber. I'll be right back though. I forgot what I was gonna say in that time it took to get to the fridge and cut toe wide open and bleed on the carpet to now. OUCH.I'm bleeding alot.
Am I the first person to bleed on the blog? I remember what I was gonna say.
I think Rick Moranis is funny.

Justin Timberlake

Anyone who watched the Super Bowl half time show knows what I'm talking about. He fucking showed the world Janet Jackson's right titty. I love that kid and Janet's titty.
That was better than "the kiss."

Sunday, February 01, 2004

I got 4 inches of snow yesterday......haa ha

Super Bowl Predictions

ah, The New England Patiorits and the who....oh yeah the Carolina kittens.
Who will walk away with an oversized ring full of pretty rocks.
predictions predictions....lets see. a bunch of drunking fools and some cheerleader squirel shots of TV.
millions of money going to the Houstink econcomy...will use shreedded Enron stocks for confeditty.
The first quarter will be a bore, but the commercials will kick ass.
The second quarter the panthers will shit in there own litter box.
and the wonderful halftime show......will go up in flames, due to the pyro team getting stoned and connecting the pyros wrong, shooting fireballs into the crowds, but lucky no one will be injured because everyone will be pissing and buy 10 dollar hotdogs, with no cheese, (what th fuck).
And they will continue to play football the third and fouth quarters.
Final score of the Game
Bud light 7 Budwiser 10
oh wait. New england 107 Carolina 1
1 point you ask, how can this be possible. Bush will enact the pariot act will result in a bonus 100 points for the New England Pariots. and reward Carolina one point due to accidental sniper fire from the Football land Security Act.
Real score. New England 24 Carolina 13 decided by a game winning field goal..........

Dear Derek,

Thank you for answering my question about inanimate objects. You have just been crowned King Buddy for the week. I hope you enjoy your foil crown.

what inanimate object am I cooler than?

my "soccer dog" vhs tape.
i'm so much cooler than that stupid movie.
i don;t even know why i have this damn thing.
man, soccer dog is just Air Bud's crappy cousin. just like how Gordy is Babe's crappy step brother.
i'm cooler than soccer dog for sure. i could kick hsi ass at soccer. all i'd have to do is kick him int he face and he'd probably die right there on the field. but i guess i'd get a red card for that.
befor soccer dog, i thought for a split second that i was cooler than glu sticks... but then i thoguht...
glue sticks stick things together, and that means they might HELP some really cool objects stick together like subway cards and subway stamps that have lost their stickiness... OR they might help elementary school hand turkeys stick to construction paper. nobody's cooler than elementary school hand turkeys with smiles. glue sticks help stick cool things together which means glue sticks are unselfish, courteous, objects that give a little bit of themselves to help other things stick together. they sacrafice their body to help things stick together. glue sticks have to be the most gracious, loving, selfless objects ever. not like that damned soccer dog. i hate that son of a bitch piece of shit. he can't even talk! he can play soccer but that's all. i don't even think he's very good. the other teams just suck. i hate him. they airbrushed out his balls on the cover of the box.