Wednesday, March 31, 2004

when i grow up i want to be just like us.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

radishes should not have the same rights as other vegetables.

owld jami blog

jami just got hired to do the artwork for the polka grammy nominees that she spilt pee on at the grammy awards. something must have seeped in.

Monday, March 29, 2004

Ask again!

Alright. Here we go.
I'm so shitfced I'm watching Hiding Out. Thank you Derekk and Ray for knowing what that is. I just fell asleep fpr a moment. I'm done doood night. bitchets

Saturday, March 27, 2004

What the shit!

I'm either totally shitfaced or the blog has changed like a mug. What gives kids? Let's have another contest.

Friday, March 26, 2004

Ohhhh.... the blogs they are a changin'!!!

new, improved?

Sunday, March 21, 2004

there ain't nobody

well... here it goes. another drunk derek blog that ain't too happy.
man, sometimes you need to talk to people that are just as drunk as you that also happen to be in the eaxact same place in life and you quickly find out it doesn't exist. it just doesn't exist. nobody is in the EXACT same place with the EXACT same blood-alcohol level. i don't know why. people can have the same blood-alcohol level bu they aren't gonna be in the exact same place (by place i mean state of mind). soemtimes you just wanna connect. and there ain;t no socket to connect to. that could totally be a sexual reference if you want it to be but in this case i ti ain't. whoever invented the word "ain't" rules. i wish Webster's would recognize it as a word. it gets the job done dammit.

anyway../// i'm sick of being a speck in the universe without no connection. i want to connect. if not for a year or two. just a simple fuckin' connection is alll i ask dammit. mayb e that is too much of a request. maybe i shouldn't be asking for anything anf just be grateful for being alive. i don't know anymore.

i set these thoughts out on a pl;ate for a random neighborhood mutt to come slurp up. like an oak tree waiting for lightning. fire burns up all the dead brush in the forrest. nutrients for the soil. right? maybe i'm a part of the fire generation. dead pincones and dry needles on the soil.

nonsense. whining. stand up and be normal damn it. work. sleep. eat. breathe. drive. think. drink. forget.

another pessimist at work. thank you. elvis has left the building.

Friday, March 19, 2004

Awwwwww Man

Keep your appointments bitches

Thursday, March 18, 2004

from my plumber...


I set your new toilet. Should take care of everything.

Broke the old toilet open and pulled out a big plastic pony.


Tuesday, March 16, 2004

i just heard////

a girl say, "i got pot on my scarf."

Monday, March 15, 2004


the following announcement should be read a la 'Samuel L.'

Y'all don't be actin like this is some touchy subject matter or somthin. when i ask for applications on how to fuck with these two, i mean it. i'm tryin to mold these bitches into a family that can function. You ain't gonna em-bare-ass Ray in front of all his blogger friends. C'mon. Shit.

It must be monday CUZ IT'S TIME FOR...


Subject: Effective Immediately
Date: March 15, 2004 1:20:03 PM CST


All personal communication between us is suspended. Any business related matters may be addressed via email. If there is an emergency or you simply insist on leaving me a voicemail, please be succinct and I will reply promptly via email. DO NOT email or leave voicemails of a personal nature as they will be DELETED IMMEDIATELY. This suspension will continue in full force until I receive a ten page (typed and double-spaced) essay from EACH of you on ONE of the following topics:

1. Dissect and discuss each and every aspect of your day on Friday, March 12th as it relates to your short and long term goals in life.

2. If you only had three more months to live, what television shows would you watch, why, and how many hours of the rest of your life would you spend watching them?

3. Archaeologists have learned much about the lives of first-century Romans from the excavations of houses buried by lava at Pompeii. Suppose that your home were preserved just as it is now. What conclusions about modern life might this evidence lead future archaeologists to draw?

4. What is your favorite holiday? Why?

5. "The best things in life are free." Discuss why you agree or disagree with this statement.

6. How and why is 'Ray' more important than booze.

7. Name some of your family's traditions (perhaps concerning holidays, birthdays, vacations, or other activities) and discuss why they are important to you.

8. What foreign country would you like to visit, and why would you like to go there?

9. Some television series (such as M.A.S.H., Fantasy Island, Golden Girls, and Seinfeld) have enjoyed a long life both in production and in reruns. Explain why.

10. What is the dumbest thing you ever did? Explain why you did it.

11. How do you think the money raised by the lottery in Georgia should be spent? Discuss.

12. If you had the time and opportunity to sit in on any college classes just for the purpose of learning about the subject, which classes would you choose? Why?

13. What does someone have to do to earn your respect? Discuss.

14. Do you function best in the morning, afternoon, or evening? Explain.

15. What are the immediate and long term psychological effects of a parent or sibling or parent and sibling forgetting your birthday? Discuss.

you know...

i like to roll in the dirt every now and then.

Saturday, March 13, 2004


Raymond Sr. and Todd forgot my birthday or they are dead. I will now officially open applications on how to fuck with them. Listening to Robert Earl Keen. Trying to figure out how to feel 'real'. It was actually a REALLY fun birthday, just a couple of sharp edges. HOLY SHIT DEREK WINS AT WINNNING. turned the hi/lo into a dance club. we won. a lot. merry christmas from the family. i have an oklahoma cell phone #. call me to find out what it be.

Friday, March 12, 2004

more band names

What about

"Old Man Ray."

"Birthday Bitch."

"Ray's Agey."

But seriously: "Change the Batteries."

Why didn't you guys think of that earlier?


"Pockets of Resistance"

patten pending. all rights reserved. copyright code.

band names

ray, damon, and i thought up some good band names.
here they are:

Kenny G's Wife and Regis' Dad
Elementary School Wine Physics

Monday, March 08, 2004

oh yeahh...

last night, someone parked in my parking space. so damon and i covered their car with whipped cream.


Does my dog know karate?
Yes he does.
How do i Know?
because he went to a karate competition and broke six boards.

Sunday, March 07, 2004

I tell you what

In case you gusy didn't know, Derek's dog knows karate.
That shit makes m laugh like nobodys business.

I like

it when people say "I'll tell you what" and then say more than "what."
Just thought I'd let you knkow.

Awwwwww Man

Derek called to tell me that Stop! Or My Mom will Shoot was on TBS tonight. I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants.
Derek and Damon are two crazyu guys.
I have to be up in four hours. yibooo.

Saturday, March 06, 2004


my father has a chick with cut off jeans and a tight little white shirt, and it attaches to the top and bottom of the can that makes a handle.....
but he probalbly will not part with it.

Search away

Could you guys please help me find something?
I'm looking for a beer stein handle that has two metal fastners at the top and bottom of the handle that you can affix to a beer can.
Will you people help me find it?

Friday, March 05, 2004


Oh my god. If you mother fuckers don't watxh fantasy island soon i'm gonna explode. it's the best show on television. i'm serious. theBEST show on television. please damn itt, watch FANTASY ISLAND. it come son at 3:00 central time on TVLAND. PLEASE!! WATCH IT!!! RAY AND I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONES TO WIITNESS SUCH BRILLIANCE. it's soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking good.

Thursday, March 04, 2004

Drunk stuff

Colby and I watched the footage that he had from the film festival today. WOW! I was more shitfaced than I remember. There is a great moment where there is a close up of me and I'm looking really serious and say "I care.(pause)I just don't give a shit." I'm glad I'm a good drunk. There is also a great scene with Derek (as ladybug) telling us that he had bees in his eyes, but then gets this sad look on his face and says "There weren't any bees. I lied." Oh, good times.


sorry the pic is so big, but it helps in the fine detail of the finest dog in Mexico



Oh my goodness...

Thanks to Blynch, I looked up some reviews for "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot". Here they are:

"I can't believe I watched this."

`Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot" is one of those movies so dimwitted, so utterly lacking in even the smallest morsel of redeeming value, that you stare at the screen in stunned disbelief. It is moronic beyond comprehension, an exercise in desperation during which even Sylvester Stallone, a repository of self-confidence, seems to be disheartened. This is a really stupid movie.
--Roger Ebert

"Sometimes, you just have to sit back and wonder what Stallone was thinking. I bet he agreed to this script while drunk after falling down some stairs."
-- Phil Villarreal, ARIZONA DAILY STAR

"Sly has traded in his exploding arrows for a chocolate milk mustache, and his waxy steroidism for cutesy cloddishness... and I like it. This marks a new path for Stallone, one which could lead to solid gold. I can't get enough of that funny, funny, strong man. I give this gem 3 stars."
-- Rita Kempley, WASHINGTON POST

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

so was the time

we rented Glitter and the Brittnay Spears movie,
i think the movie guy laughed at us on that one
good thing i got drunk and fell asleep
on the hardwood floor and didn't finish the movies.

mmmmmmmm.....cruchy tacos

I thought it was funny

I was at the video store today and someone had rented Stop or My Mom Will Shoot. I couldn't stop laughing.
PS. Ray is a dick.


is her hair pink or NASCAR bleach blonde

Tuesday, March 02, 2004


bavarian redneck oklahoma lesbian named Candy. any questions?

you can have my dog

he pucked on the floor the other night,
seemed he has a liking to aluminum foil.
or what ever was in the aluminum foil
once a roadside trash dog,
always a roadside trash eating dog.

Monday, March 01, 2004

it's gotta be one of you people...

Where was I and who was I with who thought this quote was funny enough to write down when we were drunk:

"When you get a dog and it dies, I'm going to make you do shots out of it's mouth."

This one was easy - it has to be Mel:

"Quick - let me use your cell phone. I need to see if my mom got a kidney while I was drunk."