Wednesday, December 15, 2004

aight peeps

if I should happen to drunk dial you and you have sprint will you please send me the message.

my favorite spam email subjects...

Spam email message subjects - who has this job? does it pay well?

armchair benediction
wasted the night, drove
reverend muscovite
your tv's a turkey
your father playing with his soulmate
deoxyribonucleic thesaurus
incumbent helga
How is my sister impotent?
Jermaine is the right man for the job
grainy wallaby

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Dog Therapy

no phone.
house full of shit and piss water (still).
warrant out for my arrest.

but man oh man...
it all goes away when i get to shoot that fuckin' dog with the B.B. gun.
for a year now it has patronized my friends and i... screaming and spitting knives and tuning forks, scratching it's canines across the top of our skulls like ice skates on rusty steel. firing flathead nails into our minds and pinching our nerves.

for the past week and a half the dog has been jumping into my back yard and running up to my window at 5:30 AM to bark and scream at my head.
when it does this i get excited,
because i KNOW i get to shoot it with my B.B. gun which up until now, has served no immediate purpose.
ray and matt bought me the B.B. gun for my birthday a year ago.
it has now become the best present ever.

when that dog comes into my backyard it feels like christmas morning.
all my worries disappear and i revel in feelings of REVENGE for the year of torture this dog has bestowed upon us.
just like x-mas. CHRISTMAS REVENGE.
i used to immediately run outside and shoot it...
but now i open the bathroom window like a sniper because the devil has grown wise to the sound of the back door.

once i shoot the devil, it never returns to the same place, and lately, his visits have become less frequent. but every now and then... he appears again... and i raise the window quietly and cock the gun with a smile. i have learned to adjust my aim to compensate for the arched path of the BB. i hit the devil every time now. and when i do...

he YELPS and runs to the back of the yard. in desperation he climbs the chain link fence like a cat (it's very odd to see a dog CLIMB a fence) and does not make a sound for hours afterwards.

no phone.
house full of shit and piss water (still).
warrant out for my arrest.

but i get to shoot the devil... and it's legal.
i get to shoot the fucking devil.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Blynch Dropped his Groceries

On the Run

Derek Christopher Doublin,

A warrant has been issued for your arrest. You are subject to immediate arrest at any time or place within the State of Oklahoma. This includes your residence, place of employment, educational facility or other places where law enforcement officers can locate and take you into custody.

Date of Offense: 24-October-2004
Number: 040957101
Offense: Speeding 8 MPH Over Limit. (43MPH in a 35 MPH Zone)
Amount Due: $316.00

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Friday, December 03, 2004

It's okay, I'm on medication

This is Melissa posing (or is it posting?) as Raymond....

If purgatory is considered the state of limbo between Heaven and Hell then I would go so far as to say that airports are a very special sliver of purgatory right here on earth.

Today is one of those travel days where I find myself with nothing to do. What I mean by nothing is, nothing fun to do. One more mindless game of Minesweeper will make be want to kill a small family of Mormons. Don’t get me wrong. I could do work. I essentially am doing work but it’s that addicted to email kind of work. My Pavlovian response to the ‘bloop’ that is my incoming email alert is shameless. The disappointment I feel when it’s a useless babble of an email and not a productive-I’m doing my job kind of email is almost unbearable. But I digress……on to airports.

I have been in approximately 14 different airports in the last 30 days and I’ve come to realize what I like and don’t like about airports (and airplanes) in recent days.

I feel compelled to start with Children. I appreciate children. I understand their purpose for being….to perpetuate our species as retarded as it is. I realize that my body, my gender exists to incubate and give birth to children but the following statements shouldn’t be held against me just because I have a uterus. The thing is, while I appreciate the necessity of children, I by no means extend that appreciation to their presence on an airplane. I actually almost said, ‘their presence in the midst of adults’ but that’s just silly and a bit psychotic on my part.

On a 3 ½ hour flight from Philadelphia to San Francisco there was one child that screamed non-stop for the entire flight. Why? Because she didn’t want to sit down. The small family sitting in the row just in front of me reached out to the frustrated parents and invited the screaming child to sit with their relatively sedate child 2 ½ feet away from me and watch a Disney DVD. I watched the interaction between parents with an emotion stronger than dread and I think the fear was apparent in my eyes because the put upon parents politely declined. I have a feeling that if I had behaved as this angel did, that my mom would have taken me into the lavatory and beaten the crap out of me.

Just yesterday there were two cherubs sitting right behind me. The older of the two was an energetic ball of annoyance. She kicked my seat so much that I’m sure the shape of my kidneys has been permanently altered. I wondered to myself that if I used the plastic knife that came with my ‘breakfast’ to sever the child’s foot, would I be able to use the toddler sized bones as beads for one of my new designs or would they be too big?

Thursday, December 02, 2004


Why are the cops that direct traffic always dancing?


There's the vampire zombie!