Friday, December 03, 2004

It's okay, I'm on medication

This is Melissa posing (or is it posting?) as Raymond....

If purgatory is considered the state of limbo between Heaven and Hell then I would go so far as to say that airports are a very special sliver of purgatory right here on earth.

Today is one of those travel days where I find myself with nothing to do. What I mean by nothing is, nothing fun to do. One more mindless game of Minesweeper will make be want to kill a small family of Mormons. Don’t get me wrong. I could do work. I essentially am doing work but it’s that addicted to email kind of work. My Pavlovian response to the ‘bloop’ that is my incoming email alert is shameless. The disappointment I feel when it’s a useless babble of an email and not a productive-I’m doing my job kind of email is almost unbearable. But I digress……on to airports.

I have been in approximately 14 different airports in the last 30 days and I’ve come to realize what I like and don’t like about airports (and airplanes) in recent days.

I feel compelled to start with Children. I appreciate children. I understand their purpose for being….to perpetuate our species as retarded as it is. I realize that my body, my gender exists to incubate and give birth to children but the following statements shouldn’t be held against me just because I have a uterus. The thing is, while I appreciate the necessity of children, I by no means extend that appreciation to their presence on an airplane. I actually almost said, ‘their presence in the midst of adults’ but that’s just silly and a bit psychotic on my part.

On a 3 ½ hour flight from Philadelphia to San Francisco there was one child that screamed non-stop for the entire flight. Why? Because she didn’t want to sit down. The small family sitting in the row just in front of me reached out to the frustrated parents and invited the screaming child to sit with their relatively sedate child 2 ½ feet away from me and watch a Disney DVD. I watched the interaction between parents with an emotion stronger than dread and I think the fear was apparent in my eyes because the put upon parents politely declined. I have a feeling that if I had behaved as this angel did, that my mom would have taken me into the lavatory and beaten the crap out of me.

Just yesterday there were two cherubs sitting right behind me. The older of the two was an energetic ball of annoyance. She kicked my seat so much that I’m sure the shape of my kidneys has been permanently altered. I wondered to myself that if I used the plastic knife that came with my ‘breakfast’ to sever the child’s foot, would I be able to use the toddler sized bones as beads for one of my new designs or would they be too big?

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