Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Sandy Beef

Sandra Bullock loves The Salt Lick.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Coffee Shop

The woman sitting next to me has a notebook where she's drawn a tree with a vagina.

What should I do?

Wait. I don't mean she wrote in the notebook with her vagina. She isn't a vagina artist, painting pussy trees.

I mean she drew a tree that has a pussy. She made a pussy tree. It stretches up with its branch arms, and has hairy pits and has a hairy crotch down by the trunk.

And now a man walked past me reeking of pee.

What should I do?

Saturday, March 12, 2005

hey wheeel...

i thought we were firneds! if you got a problem with me then thats all there is to it. i thought i knew you wheel. i did think that you know? you used to be a regualr circle. now youre all fancy and glamourous and on your own. you're just tryin' to take my money, aren't you wheel? i've seen your house wheel. just cause you have a marble coffe table doesn't mean thgat you can walk all over me and my friends. there's lots of people out there that have nice thingsthat act polite and courteous to the public citizens. wheel... i'm gonna get you back. you know that wheel>? do yu? i'm gonna sand your edges into a square. do you hear me wheel? fuckin wheel/. fuckin wheel. you don't knowz anything do ya? you don't have to answer. ik have the answer for everone. its this:


see that wheel?

i have a horse medal. did you ever think of that? i have the one thing you can never get. youll never achieve what ive acheiveed wheelk.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

the greatest actor of our day

he's getting fatter and fatter,
almost bald
he has a wisp of hair
in the back
which he twists
and holds
with a rubber band.

he's got a place in the hills
and he's got a place in the
and few people ever see
some consider him the greatest
actor of our

he has few friends, a
very few.
with them, his favorite
pastime is

at rare times he is reached
by telephone
with an offer to act
in an exceptional (he's
motion picture.

he answers in a very soft

"oh, no, i don't want to
make any more movies..."

"can we send you the

"all right..."

he's not heard from

what he and his few friends
after eating
(if the night is cold)
is to have a few drinks
and watch the screenplays
in the fireplace.

after eating (on
warm evenings)
after a few
the screenplays
are taken
out of cold
he hands some
to his friends
keeps some
from the veranda
they toss them
like flying saucers
far out
into the spacious
canyon below.

they all go
back in
knowing instinctively
that the screenplays
bad. (at least,
he senses it and

it's a real good
up there:
well-earned, self-
upon the

all that time
to eat
wait on death

-charles bukowski

you got some ribises pieces on you

i'm toodlin' down mccadden in hollywood today in my borrowed '73 chevy pick-up. happy as a pig in shit. a car door opens from a street parked car, i swerve and make a conscience decision not to take out giovanni ribisi. not that i wish any physical ill-wills towards the 'actor', but i probably do. like Blynch said, 'it's like Grandma putting a plate of fresh baked cookies on the sill and telling you not to touch them.' for some reason, i didn't. it wouldn't have even been my fault. i had a license to kill a ribisi. Blynch and i are proud of me, however, i must now take full responsibility for the rest of his career. that is quite a heavy burden. next time you see his tard-actin' fool self, just say, 'dammit, ray'.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

according to this guide, l.a. does not exist

25 Signs You're Hearing a Lie

1. Touching the chin or rubbing the brow
2. Crossed arms or legs
3. Playing with hair
4. A line of perspiration on the brow if it isn't a warm day
5. Saying "no" several times

6. Continually denying accusations
7. Being extremely defensive
8. Providing more information and specifics than necessary
9. Inconsistencies in what is being shared
10. Body language and facial expressions don't match what is being said such as saying "no," but nodding the head up and down

11. Smugness
12. Placing a barrier, such as a desk or chair, in front of self
13. Uncommon calmness
14. Unwillingness to touch spouse during conversation
15. Being hesitant

16. Slouching posture
17. Rigidity or fidgeting
18. Differing behaviors; not acting in a usual fashion
19. Unnatural or limited arm and hand movements
20. Partial shrug

21. Lack of finger pointing
22. Unusual voice fluctuations, word choice, sentence structure
23. Stalling the conversation by repetitive use of pauses and comments like "um" or "you know"
24. Lack of use of contractions; prefers emphasizing "not" when talking
25. Avoidance of eye contact, eyes glancing to the right, staring past you, or turning away from you while talking

Friday, March 04, 2005

guess what?

i love calazones.

this guy's a douche

i had my first callback in awhile this week. the director say's 'where are you from?'. i say, 'Austin'. this guy is 'the guy'. the one that nobody wants moving to Austin, a smug thug. he decides to get quizzical, not knowing that i GREW UP THERE. where did i live? restaurants?...he lives in Bouldin Creek, you know the Bouldin Creek Neighborhood Association, yeah, i know, i GREW UP THERE. despite my use of CAPS, it was all pretty harmless and his posse of 'yes' people were silently slack-jawed at our 5-minute-too-long cultural ping pong match.

then he said it.

"I know the best bar-b-que is in Lockhart"

it was like when a tiny child says the word 'fuck' for the first time in front of his parents. for a second, he thinks he's cute. he looks to them for acknowledgement, thinking he has found a common ground, thinking he is just like them. then he gets an ass whoopin.

"well, i'm a Salt Lick fan myself," i replied in an inaudible tone of 'this audition is OH-ver!'.

that should have been it. then he topped himself. i did not think a retort so perfect in it's prickyness existed for my statement.

"Well, they are all right for family style."

what a DICK. this is the part in my 'mind movie' where i jump over the table, punch him once, drag him to the helicopter waiting on the roof, where we fly immediately to Salt Lick, i rub his nose in ribs while yelling "NO!" over and over, cover him in sauce, and stake him over an ant pile. then when the ants are done, and the bones are bleached from the sun, i make a god-damned lamp.

all of this drama over Summer's Eve Feminine Hygene. stupid funny l.a.

Thursday, March 03, 2005


i just heard brooks and dunn's cover of "husbands and wives" (my favorite roger miller song) on the radio and about puked. what an empty, hollow cover that was. it was all voice and no spirit. that's one of roger's deepest songs and they sung it like it was "a whole new world".