Friday, March 04, 2005

this guy's a douche

i had my first callback in awhile this week. the director say's 'where are you from?'. i say, 'Austin'. this guy is 'the guy'. the one that nobody wants moving to Austin, a smug thug. he decides to get quizzical, not knowing that i GREW UP THERE. where did i live? restaurants?...he lives in Bouldin Creek, you know the Bouldin Creek Neighborhood Association, yeah, i know, i GREW UP THERE. despite my use of CAPS, it was all pretty harmless and his posse of 'yes' people were silently slack-jawed at our 5-minute-too-long cultural ping pong match.

then he said it.

"I know the best bar-b-que is in Lockhart"

it was like when a tiny child says the word 'fuck' for the first time in front of his parents. for a second, he thinks he's cute. he looks to them for acknowledgement, thinking he has found a common ground, thinking he is just like them. then he gets an ass whoopin.

"well, i'm a Salt Lick fan myself," i replied in an inaudible tone of 'this audition is OH-ver!'.

that should have been it. then he topped himself. i did not think a retort so perfect in it's prickyness existed for my statement.

"Well, they are all right for family style."

what a DICK. this is the part in my 'mind movie' where i jump over the table, punch him once, drag him to the helicopter waiting on the roof, where we fly immediately to Salt Lick, i rub his nose in ribs while yelling "NO!" over and over, cover him in sauce, and stake him over an ant pile. then when the ants are done, and the bones are bleached from the sun, i make a god-damned lamp.

all of this drama over Summer's Eve Feminine Hygene. stupid funny l.a.


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