Sunday, May 22, 2005

oh... my... god.

the fire department was called to my house at 3 AM after we set a typewriter on fire in the road and tossed every single piece of furniture i own into a tree. it was a fun game we invented. it's called "Try and Get Furniture Stuck in the Local Vegetation". that's the good thing about having crappy furniture. it's great for destructive purposes.

to start out, the typewriter was burned with lighter fluid but was soon doused in lots of GAS. the fire got very big and the neighbors freaked out. when the firemen showed up they just looked at us as if to say, "fuckin' hilo assholes." today, i lowered my head and avoided eye contact with all my neighbors. the worst part was walking over the giant, charred section of pavement with everyone watching.

no sir, the neighbors were none too pleased. we were nOiSY. it took many tries and alot of man power to toss the furniture high enough to make it stick. the ironing board and metal chairs were the noisiest when they fell.

after the fire was put out my local bartender actually SLAPPED ME in the face. he was pissed. i guess we have done our fair share of deconstruction at that bar. A few disasters come to mind. The Rose Bush Chainsaw Evening, the "What's my Middle Name?" 75 Beer Bottle Smashing Festival, the Dumpster Paint Job, my Rooftop Stripper Sex Romp, and now... the Giant Parkinglot FIREBALL of 2005.

i had just bought a 24 pack of unopened beer when my bartender slapped me. i set my 24 pack of unopened beer on the ground to go apologize to him for the blaze. while i was talking to him two strangers snuck up from behind me and STOLE my beer. i followed them into the parkinglot and punched their driver's side window as they were backing out. i told them if i didn't get my beer back i was gonna break as many windows on their car that i possibly can. i felt very powerful and assertive. are men always supposed to feel like that? they gave it back to me and said, "hey man, calm down. we're sorry. take it back. calm down." secretly, i kind of wanted them to drive away so i could've punched out a car window for storytelling purposes. i was running on sauza, mezcal, budweiser, whalers, rasberry vodka, natural light, pork chops, hydrocodone and an occasional sip of water. i was fucking superman.

the wiener dog races occurred before the nonsense and were the key ingredient in escalating the circus. we were the craziest mother fuckers there. the grandstands were FILLED. the dogs were awesome and damon and i won the last race. we switched our strategy from betting on the BEST NAME to the WORST NAME. i got to scream "i'm rich" again.

while at the racetrack, i found the best bar-b-que in OKC right there. it was a booth run by a great couple that used to own a little shack up in chicago. i was very impressed when they told me they like to go to the saltlick for "RESEARCH". their sauce is VERY different. they're from chicago so it's that sweet, northern style, but dammit, it's the best SWEET bar-b-que sauce i've ever had. they made me laugh a lot and gave me THREE BAR-B-QUE PORKCHOPS for $4.25. they were sooooo delicious. i ate them without bread because the bread was getting its ASS KICKED by delicious, sultry pork chop flavors. after talking to the chefs for a while, the husband lowered his head and said, "man, i can see you like bar-b-que, so i gotz to be honest wich you." i thought he was going to say his sauce was actually a mixture of some name brand sauces or something similar but instead he looked down at the ground and said, "man... i stole this recipe from my sister. she still lives in chicago and she doesn't even know i'm usin' it down here. i'm a cheater." that made me like his bar-b-que even more.

i also lost my keys.

yes sir, we broke a few records last night.
the burn marks in the road stand as a testament to our idiocy.
the asphalt is charred right next to the freshly painted dumpster that still holds last month's ideas. maybe someday i'll root through the debris and find little napkins i scribbled on.

what's this one say?
"Make a movie about raisins."
what about this one?
"Get a tattoo of an elk head."
and this one?
"Remember... you hid your keys in the middle of the road."

Thursday, May 19, 2005


Tuesday, May 17, 2005


"Someone like Jean-Luc Godard is for me intellectual counterfeit money when compared to a good kung fu film."
-Werner Herzog

Monday, May 16, 2005


today started like any other day that i get asked if i am canadian. then we had great pizza. then we saw 'charlene' daniels end her lilith fair tribute with THE MOST HORRID RENDITION OF DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA THAT EVER WAS. we went back to the hotel, tipped over a vase, then the nurse asked me if i could read so he could show me a sentence instead of asking me in front of India if i was a victim of spousal abuse. and i now have nine stitches in my hands and a cast. vicodin.

Holy balls of fuck

I need everyone who reads this to go and rent Cop and a 1/2. I am so fucking serious. Please go rent it. I have seen a buttload of bad movies that contain a buttload of creepy things,b ut this one has the scene that takes the cake. Please please please go rent this. I want to have someone I can talk to about the horribly disturbing scene from this movie.
Holla back.


If you ever decide to watch Cop and a 1/2 put Springsteen's Glory Days on repeat and enjoy.
As much as I think Burt Reynolds is the greatest star ever, that is the only way I can get through that movie.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

my own perssonal opoinions

i thinkk "Handicap Entrance Ramp Cover" iks the best name for a band and possibily a small child.


I just went back an tried to read some of our old post. Woops spacebar sin to shit dkey. fuck!@ I'm typing like Ray. We were really talkative in Swptember 2003. Really. Et's do it again.


The Diamond better set a vegas stop for his upcoming tour or I'm never gonna forgive him. I'm ready for some hot august nights. bitches.


Do you know when Shinola is coming out?
ps If you don't go to flipside it will feel like all the grandmas in the world forgot how to make cookies. Don't take away the cookies.

blog/blynch the whiney(how do spell that) bitch

Fucking tell me already! Not even Mapquest knows. I'm just plain sick of it.
How the fuck do you get to Sesame Street?
Sweep those damn clouds away and just tell us how to get there already.
The song really is like someone telling you about this great party where everything and everyone you love is gonna be there but they forget to tell you how to get there.
Sesame Street Theme Song:"Hey, Flipside really will be the best time you have all year."
Me:"Man after hearing you guys talk about it for the past three hours Flipside sounds perfect to me. I really could use something like that right now."
Sesame Street Theme Song:"Sorry its all sold out."
Seriously, words rhyme with turn left, turn right, 3rd street, north etc..
I really want to go Sesame Street. I want my sunny days.

sidenote: any ideas on how to meake a tickle monster costume?

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Being There

Every year people tend to get upset with the outcome of the Oscars. I used to be one of those people. I now tune in every year just to see the speeches and commercials (or to see Lou Gossett Jr. sleeping) but for the most part I really don't give a shit. I really think the only purpose the Oscar's now serve is so that people who only watch 10 movies a year a can tell someone "I told you so" when their pick beats out their buddy's pick for best picture.
But tonight I'm a little upset.
I just watched Kramer vs. Kramer. Damn that's a good movie. But this viewing I paid close attention to D Hoffman. Now I'm not an actor, but I've seen a shitload of movies and tend to think I know what good acting is. I think that Dustin did a great job. He did a great job of playing a dad who doesn't want to lose his son. Good stuff. WAY above average.
Like I said I'm not an actor and haven't been schooled in acting or how to judge or grade acting, but I would like to think that anyone who has seen Being There and Kramer vs. Kramer (especially on the same night) would be crazy to thing that Dustin Hoffamn did a better job than Peter Sellers.
Sorry for the rant but I just thought people should know.

Thursday, May 12, 2005


one of my favorites...

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Got me

For every plus there truly is a minus
+Don Williams


I don't know if this is a compliment or slap in da face but...
"In 1980 Don Williams was named Country Star of the Decade in Great Britian."
I love drinking with 903.
no, i love your mammma
ijusrt found my sciagarettle but i'm too tired to smoke em, fuck llayyyalll


ops i had to pee

fuck up shut up

you are gonna miss so much whiole i ppee

i just picked the galls menegerie out atht trash while i wiped my onwn pee off my legg meanwhile back at benighn

i fukcin know davin andselov

yes i dude iwen

know i now u ididn

id didnt xcua i worked for my mom

i me t hi

i cant even type as fast is this inane conversaiotion

let's tjuust try

i wish two people would leave

i dont have cigarettes

we satart hangin out after orieanss

he's theis holly

my basketbllall teamm
not ev e jj im talking

jjj who hated me

fresheman boy

right so, they are all firens

payed basketall

ther parne tss grew up together

they do section als by statse


we ever ye full crazy shipt won every singell thing on earth we were crazy this was my school.. yeah eya yeah you like watch anty obbtday that wants to wathch my life ll... tat s my life .. llike senoiire yeatr wer're gin to smei stae.. you could see

i grew i on a farm like five times consalodate.. o s like ath moveie is my lilfe. we're the losing team in hooosierdss.

ok , i am toatlly sick of this.,.

ok i'm going here on there 234 i jjust turened on johhny cash.. i g

black people come out on the flooer
loolk mom, it'e michale gofeden

i hardly heever go to einditgan

there al s gblaleck

p-er son issiiting in the gym

they gjjjust moved intoe stown



I SAW PU lp ficrtion

so one day i am hating this girl that is still her byofrering in my ahuest

and we are at largo

i thouth ghe was wa


so this it

we are friends is what i ghinkkt

sthe funy thing is ais taht ti swaw him

i went to his b[-lace but i am totally naive

this is hard to typle



i totally naive thing cool durrunk so fuckiing blown w

what sas reallyy

who ani imm

cuazz we were like







i cant win. i cannot type as fast as this tgirl is dumb.

all i cqan do is listen and wish all of your are here. OH MY GOD..... this girld should be deleted from my life, jesus fuck, i hate her... reampling is here only dedfense.




yeah i lol.ed

cuz thereir fvoesces are moveing aawaya towards, awasy , towrards

fuck just

seriosouls y

i HTRWE TY0UOU.....!!!!!!!!





now this is it.

now this is it.

now this is it.

uh oh, nad things a coming

did i say "nad"? i meant bad. ray says things i don't uhnderstand no mre no more. all we has is time and my energy.

when that one doewns't work, we'll try the this one. the next one. what do we have here? stink face. whe where'ws my cigarettes at? don't typ like that? do don't type like' i'm talking? righright/ right.

i'll be back. no, I'lll abe badk back. hahaha.

so ray disappeared for a while and came back with tomorrow. and by tomorrow, he jmaeant a birght light bulb. which he set aside and replaced with a new one. a dimmer one. chaps and helmet and look of concern for everyone's well being.

dringk that vallley forge. that's gogt a good taste. you can stopp too.

this is my last whip it ever

it was only suppose d to gbe two nmbuut now it's threes ... now and for ever one las tdreinkd,, ready dannd cddanced dadnce to the bgothe both muisixc sllowlyh but sureeeeeeeeeerely

efeel it

feeel it

almost radio head but not quiete

dance dance stilllllllllllll

haemet adorned




stilll still

st jauc


a meant smile

not for ced

like a tipepped hand

he means it

you cant eve tap cqan you



karate.. i awwant to read it

look to the other conversation

find the dreink

realize realize

in the corener


it s a hight schoolsss

what are you doing



who is playing this

who is this the song coming on righ tnow

ahh oh supermant


i'm not home righ tnow


ray's journey into cream

steady lads, the last one. it's empty he said, and he loaded another.

all righty loaded. screwed in, and right to go. hands wiped down and arms at ready, hard hat ccrash helmet on, and gas inside his cream puff gullet, creemed and whipped.

hold tight laddy, courage, and smoke. smoeked, creeeamed.


the shepherd

a lonely shepherd appeared amidst the flock and had bad news... "all righte= he said. i have some baaaaad news. " he talked sheep to the sheep... "i heard some bad jazz about some bad dudes who came to take my sheeps away from me." and it's true , there were some badd duddes. and there said they some bad jazz about some talk about a certain man showing bad signs about certain sheeps.

and this dude called upon them, the sheeps that is, and he kept making it hard for them to do their job. he kept making sounds and noise and movements and the shps could'n't' coundt themselves. no more. and no one could sleep. and no sheep could keep count. and no sleep could be kept no more, no count.

and his name was worry. and all was worried from then on.

the shepherd returned to find sheeps undone and sleeps usurped, and he wept. and he slept no more.

here we go some oroer

Stay sweet...Live happy...Burn ...Luv, Shamuta

Well, I must have been stoned when this whole thing started, cause I just can't seem to think straight anymore...


Tuesday, May 10, 2005


does anyone else get drunk and try to learn/remeber things?
I just taught myslef how to figure slope again. Please tell me that someone selse is this weird.

Sunday, May 08, 2005


This girl I don't even know turned my face into a sandwich. How you ask? She covered it in mayonaise and mustard, it didn't taste very good. Mustard burns in the eye, mayo doesn't though. I wish I lived with a film crew.
Who wants to go to Long John Silvers?

Holy Shit

That fireworks stuff is som carzy shit. One time Ray and I tried to burn down my house. All we had was an egg, a microwave, and a CD though. Oppos, wait we didi have some bottle rockets too. they didn't blow a wall out though.
I didn't know Jake was 38.,0,7983132.story?coll=ny-leadnationalnews-headlines

no no no no no no no no no

ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch
Remeber that time you got hurt real bad? This probably hurts more.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

enclyclopedia brownlin

i figured out why that apple soap in the fort sucks.
it's liquid dish DETERGENT.
that's why it's so sticky.
it's for dishwashers.
not hands.

Friday, May 06, 2005


Every time I post to this thing it's a freak'n miracle for my drunkenesssssss.

Check out this link stipidssssssss


Tuesday, May 03, 2005


heyyyy laies they dont make an oranfe flavored spray fo you?

my first name

my baloney is my firt name
chords dont necessairly translate into language.

can i borrow some salsa.

owen is a guitarist
that plays rock

who here likes belgian waffles?

i just need some syrup.
like jurassic park's owner.rasin'

sour cream and onon chips r great.

i also love enchi,.adas with salsa,

time to break.

present them to me.

semper fi\

semper fi ,, well do do it tell you die ...but if you got smoked turkey ,,welll syucka throw it on rye ... but the roootin toootin fella is bad but not yella so lets get down where the where we find the soundi am tired of dont's...i n eed a shellfish thjat says thin gs about sports scores from the future...then i would use my powers for evil for once...balloons and bikinis . ,., mullets and ex-girlfriends...times and divisions...if i were a circus i would be a long lost friend ... eggs and balloons and rules are for suckers johnny boy......???????reyt

type th9s way happy gfithsty that met sm jy fiteh no he llef tme ii watnneed a litlel asopai under atalkk slow smashhhh

9 indont apredicitnow oown ¨hnphnddoone tfit˙ tit

tthat s pealluminin
alliminuja hwt sl hoathand that lw˙t is thlilkske wå˙t kwhi ci sis lik qaunwjiij ddfkdont he ddsdrandomm lyh and yo uthing thwy dwbecaithat

spoinningiist eve¥ neow nand t˙en cuaz wher re off killeter snow sit on down tdownn dow let
s wqahtc˙ tis st¨per rockk

curl world that ls not spregnanet

h want s ss back specing
one eie¥d son of a boitch fna

letsl let i tbe

i wt˙ we we wer yoo

last time yo sat in my lap yu broke my windshield. tru ee storeie

some alssohole ss

we wer eatin burito s tof r of oor somthin

my winshile dbrodk udether pressure

then we wnet an bwoke up some peone;le

and all i saw was the debris of the partie holey shit i spelt drbirs righ t at al girl ekkkep it up chop silrloin chop pun h tha guys ¨wunder hiccup i no yo did not huhioccu mem ber

w˙en we piised off jkemremy to

coule i have osme warm gin


if you cna

do youahve any htin wark

the coldest
warm gin and warm women

the coldes

th coledest women

nigh tri[s

te coldest beer avalalbe

borrroiwiing this one

its at jammer


one of ther hi lo gallsess which is not m fault not my faulet noooo


re8ips by waty of day

oeepes the gin warm

we go t giner ale

io anna mix mis comse glass

taths the distandce

woen s gots the distandce

this aint o game

gownds gots so e milatgee

ownd discover the isecre to the fort

most people donwt tnow sth makes csererc

i'm pretty sure re dd owns gin

do yu have antging that plug si inn fo er her ethats LOUSdddd

gvme me that box amp.

tierd qitd

ray says....

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb i hate helicopedrs


rewindin is ellegal. a gald eleagal. swimmin in feater beds made fom frelative s wtha like to kski .. who well.. cant remember i remember seeing an gird bood gtime.. that is the reason for hese seasonconstatntly... this is a song

one more threem more yours

now its mine. but i fond want to own it

thanks for the memories that i hae to mpay tae s one iit

wee lll hell yess hell yesss

why diddnt we ryjhyme b4


i sug a well thant never runs dry of funn
but im still thirsty
cuss word

who hear likes wafffles?
i like waffles wit blueberries.
and strwaberries.
but noiot at the same time.

god bess jesus
and bacon.

christmas time

its christmas tim
its not christmas
but it sre feel slike it
because dammit....
presentets are in your friends.
that's why.

good friends surprise you every now and then.
and thst means it christmas.

i love belgian waffles.

red time

oguo/gu/'/'g8ot- v7'
red puked before owenowen puked afterwards

i agree

true story

its ok...nobody's looking, buddy

remember that one time when we walked ac\ross the street and that vagrants cocked his elbow..."are you sure" we said...he wasn't...he left and we puked...remember matt brown? that's matt it's not..are you =sure...what?...yeh...i need a broom...


time for answers

okay. i guess its time for answers for answers,

5 jive was invented ofr death.

welcome to the basketball game.
its the last train to sand trap.

true story.

your speakers aren't even worth half this conversation.

it worked for a second,

ahhh shit.

doing my best.

dammit. these asssholes are my frineds and they know the universe like a dog.
like me. ignore everything until it passes over. that's what red;s ;awyer says.

who hear likes biscuits?
or belgian waffles?

i do.

i like both.

so they'll desss up like ducks and wear tiny duck costumes to flipside?
go to flipside.

people need to call red and piss him off.
and owen, too.


hey... who hear lijkes beef jerkey?<>

go again

here we go agin ,,,,,,senior oh no sed oooooooh yeah
sandtrap pet3 met sadddled saddled bill...and then nwith a peas porridge pot and a peas porridge yooo!!!!!!!!! who puts thaat silly sucka in tha pot nine daze olde...... some like the pot .... some like the gold.... but who 3323223 likes the numba 1 with the rhe root down fold


so pickled bill and hid famous pack of daimond thieves just ajurned from the whiney village...... shish bob k-boom booom and thier was was a brand new flavor and sweet sassy sue sud they was sumptin too flaver oh yeah oh yes oh god bless from the top too the bottom then you say hell yes,,, born with a teil but ii still wail ......lookin for trust while i kick dust .....magic is real...16 sided it up........................flooor

red's first drunk blog

good ideas are quick afoot when gin goes time i watched a girl fall halfway through the awning of my favorite bar because she believed me when i said "i've got a good idea"...then i woke up today and i stink..."follow me ", i said...and she did...but that was before sh knew me very well...i need a beard washin'....this was all after derek threw up (i threw up too, but i was mostly unaffected by it all)...she still doesn't know that this happened...which is why tonight i drink my gin from a measuring cup...good decision

Sunday, May 01, 2005


They say that famous people die in threes. I'm more convinced that famous people grow up in pairs. My favorite example of this would be Rick Morranis and Geddy Lee. Also Chicken Fried Steak and Gravy.