Sunday, May 22, 2005

oh... my... god.

the fire department was called to my house at 3 AM after we set a typewriter on fire in the road and tossed every single piece of furniture i own into a tree. it was a fun game we invented. it's called "Try and Get Furniture Stuck in the Local Vegetation". that's the good thing about having crappy furniture. it's great for destructive purposes.

to start out, the typewriter was burned with lighter fluid but was soon doused in lots of GAS. the fire got very big and the neighbors freaked out. when the firemen showed up they just looked at us as if to say, "fuckin' hilo assholes." today, i lowered my head and avoided eye contact with all my neighbors. the worst part was walking over the giant, charred section of pavement with everyone watching.

no sir, the neighbors were none too pleased. we were nOiSY. it took many tries and alot of man power to toss the furniture high enough to make it stick. the ironing board and metal chairs were the noisiest when they fell.

after the fire was put out my local bartender actually SLAPPED ME in the face. he was pissed. i guess we have done our fair share of deconstruction at that bar. A few disasters come to mind. The Rose Bush Chainsaw Evening, the "What's my Middle Name?" 75 Beer Bottle Smashing Festival, the Dumpster Paint Job, my Rooftop Stripper Sex Romp, and now... the Giant Parkinglot FIREBALL of 2005.

i had just bought a 24 pack of unopened beer when my bartender slapped me. i set my 24 pack of unopened beer on the ground to go apologize to him for the blaze. while i was talking to him two strangers snuck up from behind me and STOLE my beer. i followed them into the parkinglot and punched their driver's side window as they were backing out. i told them if i didn't get my beer back i was gonna break as many windows on their car that i possibly can. i felt very powerful and assertive. are men always supposed to feel like that? they gave it back to me and said, "hey man, calm down. we're sorry. take it back. calm down." secretly, i kind of wanted them to drive away so i could've punched out a car window for storytelling purposes. i was running on sauza, mezcal, budweiser, whalers, rasberry vodka, natural light, pork chops, hydrocodone and an occasional sip of water. i was fucking superman.

the wiener dog races occurred before the nonsense and were the key ingredient in escalating the circus. we were the craziest mother fuckers there. the grandstands were FILLED. the dogs were awesome and damon and i won the last race. we switched our strategy from betting on the BEST NAME to the WORST NAME. i got to scream "i'm rich" again.

while at the racetrack, i found the best bar-b-que in OKC right there. it was a booth run by a great couple that used to own a little shack up in chicago. i was very impressed when they told me they like to go to the saltlick for "RESEARCH". their sauce is VERY different. they're from chicago so it's that sweet, northern style, but dammit, it's the best SWEET bar-b-que sauce i've ever had. they made me laugh a lot and gave me THREE BAR-B-QUE PORKCHOPS for $4.25. they were sooooo delicious. i ate them without bread because the bread was getting its ASS KICKED by delicious, sultry pork chop flavors. after talking to the chefs for a while, the husband lowered his head and said, "man, i can see you like bar-b-que, so i gotz to be honest wich you." i thought he was going to say his sauce was actually a mixture of some name brand sauces or something similar but instead he looked down at the ground and said, "man... i stole this recipe from my sister. she still lives in chicago and she doesn't even know i'm usin' it down here. i'm a cheater." that made me like his bar-b-que even more.

i also lost my keys.

yes sir, we broke a few records last night.
the burn marks in the road stand as a testament to our idiocy.
the asphalt is charred right next to the freshly painted dumpster that still holds last month's ideas. maybe someday i'll root through the debris and find little napkins i scribbled on.

what's this one say?
"Make a movie about raisins."
what about this one?
"Get a tattoo of an elk head."
and this one?
"Remember... you hid your keys in the middle of the road."


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