Thursday, June 30, 2005

Bobby Henderson is a genius


I am writing you with much concern after I read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design is to be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design..

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I'm writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I'm sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don't understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I'm sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming to long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don't

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

P.S. I have included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget. Remember, we are all His creatures.


i know how the new batmoabile works bitches....

how sad is that. ? i'm/.... yep.

see ya soon,

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Drunken Monkey

Who makes breakfast when your helper monkey has a hangover?

Dear Horse,

You son of a bitch.
I can't believe Ray's drink made you faster!
It usually makes me fall down and eat giant blocks of cheese.
Are you sure you're not just DREAMING that you're faster,
when in reality, you're passed out in a nest made from a dirty beard, asleep,
kicking an earthworm in the face?

Which ever, it's good to know you're still here horse. I can't believe you haven't been stolen by greedy drinkers wanting to win the big race. Be careful... they don't know proper horse maintenance in the city of angels. They'll use you and drop you in a sack along with a half eaten california-cucumber-hotdog.

Stick with Ray horse,
and if he tries to be in a glue commercial,
only then can you leave.

- Derek

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

dear Derek

i am faster than ive everbeen be4. training camp was great. sometimes you have to be lost in the mucde be4 you find yourself. this is me racing a lexus commercial. nice, huh. thanks for putting me near ray's drink. always, horse.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

my first good backyard

i have to say.... i LOVE my backyard.
it's the first time that i've EVER had a backyard that i truly love (even growing up).

i have always been afraid of living alone because history has proven that i tend to go FUCKING CRAZY if left by myself for too long... but you know what... i can tell that this backyard isn't gonna let that happen. this backyard is wise beyond its years. it reminds me of that field behind the bar at flipside. when you look at that field on mushrooms, you c an tell it has its shit together.

one of these reasons my backyard is grreaaaattt is because it has a creek and a;lthough it's only a small one, it still works. the birds and squirrels put on a fucking CIRCUS show. there's ONE grackel living on the other side of the creek and he's the first grackel i've ever liked. why? because all the squirrels fuck with him and he gets PIIISSEED. he's the straight man. if it weren't for his uptight behavior, the squirrels wouldn't be as funny.

i'm still gonna shoot the grackel though.

most of the yard is enclosed. the left side is blocked by a giant wall of honeysuckle (which needs to be controlled a bit) and the ride side by various flower bushes. the breeze sweeps through while i'm mowing and it feels damned good.

last week i said, "fuck it," and put up a clothes line. my dryer belt needs to be replaced but the belt is costing about as much as the dryer. this clothes line was the best decision ever. i really enjoy the quiet process of putting my clothes out on my clothes line. it's kind of like that calming, zenlike state you get in when you mow. i'll get a dryer before winter but i think i'm gonna leave some crappy clothes on the line just for atmosphere. i definitely need to buy some polka dot knickers and some pajamas with the butt panel.

the sound of the tree tops swishing back and forth in the wind is awesome. it goes best with jimmy buffet or mel torme.
i've been writing more than ever before and it's all because of this backyard. i think i'm gonna have to credit it as a
co-writer. my good friend... the yard. keep up the good work yard. wanna drink some beer with me yard? okay. you get the second cycle of the beer though. sorry. can't waste a new beer on you! you're just a yard!

unintentional celestial fornication

today was weird
wacky wednesday whatever.

two lines of type, now errows good job ray

got haaaammmmered at the junior/senior show last night( the hilight being the opening bsand 'will power". woke up with my bedroomd door wide open and my rroomate screaming 'oh my god maggots' entire living room infested with maggots lookng for food.

epic hangover.. screaming .. maggots.

ever go down a hill on your bycicle so fast but only to make it half way up the other hill and gthen fall?

fuck it.

spent 3-7 at drew carey's pool while he went ot get a haircut, swa hime for thirty inutes before he went to poker. it's almost a damn shame to mention that here becuz he is real and real good. just tyin to be honest.

rested for 3 hours.

chris martin. he is shy.

now for a free boat ride onthe chug. what former mtv veejay would not leave at 4am? that's an hour a go my time.. here's a picture of his naked ass in my living rooms. weird day. bad weird. but mentionalbe. try not to juckge me but it's ok if we must.

i really really really want flipside back, or for fourth of july to be now, or midnight chees fries, or just just.

i want to live in Austin. I want to be in Austin. i only have what i have to work with. my hand is five jack-asses of a kind. can you beeat me?

Monday, June 20, 2005

Best Hallwoeen Costume in a Movie...

what do you think is the best halloween costume worn by a character in a movie?

my pick would be when the karate kid dressed up like a shower to hide from the cobra kia dojo.
he could've just worn a mask or put on a sheet and went as a ghost... but no...
he thought it was smart to wear this big, clunky shower costume.
he almost got his ass kicked because of that costume. he couldn't run in it! mister miagi had to save him.
if he just would've worn a smarter costume he would've gotten away.
but then again, he was young and innocent back then so i guess it's okay.
i bet mr. kid looks back at that moment and thinks, "man... why the hell did i think it was a good idea to be a shower?! no matter what halloween party you go to, if a SHOWER walks in the room, it's gonna get the most attention. i should've known that! maybe next year i should be something a little more low key. something like a rolltop desk."

Saturday, June 18, 2005
"upscale facilites" hahahaha all those people really need is some white trash hottub action in their backyard.


okay, so you're only spupposed to post to this thing after drinking, right?

heeeeeyyyy, everybody. even you, blynch.

stee and i are saying hai.

Stee says: One of my eyes is open. The other one is not.

pamie says: wine tastes good.

stee say: i saw the cap'n from chips ... no, you have to capitalise. CHiPS. There you go. Today. I saw him. At a graduation... we sang the CHiPS theme song at him. But I don't think he recognized it.

pamie: we saw matthew lillard at dinner today. he's enormous. and scraggly. and he didn't say hi, which was weird, because w'eve had to look at him for years. he should at least say hi to everybody now, apolgizing in person.

stee: zzzzzzzzzzz.

pamie: let's go watch that bill hicks dvd. that'll be funny.

stee: zzzzzzzzzzzz.

pamie: aw, man.

stee: i got some m&m's,and i'm not oging to tell you where they are.

pamie: gross.

stee: not like that. huh-huh. heehehehehhe. uhhhhh. haaaHhahahahHHAAA.

pamie: hee. i likea m&m's. hee.

stee: hmmmmehheheh..

pamie: that's a good word.

stee: fuck the delete button.

pamie: word.
stee: hai.
pamie: hai.
stee: ray's gonna be sad he let us on his blog.
pomie: who's pomie?
stee: huhuuhuhhhehhheeuhh.
pamie: i'm awesome.
stee: let's make out.
pamie: yeah.
stee: ray's gonna get grossed out by that.
pamei: only if we're in his hot tub.
stee: i love you, pamei. don't tell pamie.
stee: i talked twice.
pamie: haaheeuhdh.
stee: you had a d in your laugh.
pamie: zzzzzzzzzzz.
stee: i'll hit send.
pamie: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzbillhicks
henry kissinger: hello.
stee: why is henry kissinger in our house?
ray: hai.
We didn't have cheese and crackers at flipside this year.
Maybe we should have them at burning man instead?
Just sayin.

Friday, June 17, 2005

So I just found out that my birthday tree is the pine tree.
That's my tree? The pine tree?
I don't have ANYTHING in common with pine trees.

From Good to Great

This week just keeps out doing itself.
NOW my favorite thing of the week is Wang Chung performing Nelly's Hot in Here.
Seriously people this week is AWESOME.
Wish you were here.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Good Week

I've been lucky enough this week to see and hear some amazingly funny shit, but so far this takes the cake:
"I'm gonna jackoff then watch Fat Albert. Later."

The Rodgers Couple

Okay... about 6 months ago I was out on a drunk excursion when some lady from San Antonio came up to me and asked to take my picture with some of my friends. She was very friendly and I'm guessing she had just received a new digital camera because it was proudly displayed around her neck.

She and her husband took the picture and told me that she would email it to me if I gave her my email address. I did.

Now here's the fun part. They emailed me the picture, yet for some reason, they kept me on their mass email list. I'm 100 percent sure they are unaware of their error, but I have received pictures and emails on EVERY gathering, party, and strange family get togethers they have had FOR MONTHS now.

Keep in mind, I talked to this woman for about two minutes at the bar.
I have NO IDEA who she is.

Here are some of the pictures I've received....

This one was titled:

This one was titled:

This one was titled:

And this one:

Now, I would inform her of her mistake
but I do so LOVE receiving these emails.
It's a surprise EVERYTIME. Last week
they had a pool party with a male thong
contest. The pictures are supposed to be in soon.

I am now convinced that we HAVE to attend one of their parties.
I receive flyers with directions all the damned time.
Here's the last two flyers I received:

Monday, June 13, 2005


I want to get some money together and start a news channel.
The Good News Network.
"When we say good morning, we mean it." hahaha
Seriously, it will just show news that should make people feel good. Like a fireman saving a kitten stuck in a tree. An underdog team winning the big game. Dogs calling 911. Teacher of the week. Food drives. Chili cook offs. Science Fair winners. New Hot Pocket flavors.
I think that along with Camp Labruauadon is my dream.

Aww shit

I just took this quiz to find out what mythological creature I would be and it turns out I have an 84% chance of being a Mermaid. Stupid ass quiz.
You try:

Saturday, June 11, 2005

junk mail

Pearly Whites Teeth Whitening Kit

Want a Perly White Smile.?
whiter teeth in just two weeks

Want a professional quality teeth whitening,
But Dentists charges in excess of $300 for this product.

Now you can get-Pearly Whites,
which is the most powerful at-home teeth whitening system available for appox 10% of Market price, and is exactly the same system used in professional dental offices.

Spend a few minutes with us and discover how to whiten your teeth and brighten your smile.

As a bonus, we offer cash incentives for referring your friends and family to our product!
Get-Pearly Whites Today..

i might be in the best shape that i've been in since 24 gallons of jack a go (band name). wow, good pause, for me. i get hit on by weird peoples. all of a sudden i have choices. choices make for great sex. short/semi-extended (no-pun) sex. in the past few weeks, great sex. heaping portions of shallow teaspoons of great sex. gigantatron tittied women hit on me while enormatronically endowed men ponder the possibilities. every time i taste the grass thru the barbed wire... i made out with a goat shaped candle-donned cubicle moniker last evening. if i don't find remotely fascinating true love soon, call me slut. great. 1/3 life crisis' cross' fine.

can i please have a conversation where i don't tilt my head like a puppy dawg does tilt his head like does. will someone please set me free, or at least loosen my colllar. i know i made my own gawd darn collar out of catholicism and the fact that no matter what i wear i cannot get into okc's club mardi gras on days ending in y did i pay a cab to take me here i am on my own once again.

if you agree, type madison 13402- eleven. i miss us. banana banana banana*

* blynch**
** gwen +s

can i please get kickied into jimmie's egg


Here is 0% Pants Ray at the office.

And here is 0% Pants Ray during a big meeting.

And here is 0% Pants Ray on the Red Carpet with Lara Flynn Prewitt.

May we never speak of these again.

Friday, June 10, 2005

i never want my paint to dry.