Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Red Goes to Jail - The AUDIO TALE

For those of you that enjoyed "Ernest Goes to Jail" or "Cool Hand Luke" here is the latest audio book by Oklahoma's own MR. RED.

Red (also known as Oklahoma Blynch) spent 19 hours in the Oklahoma County Jail for reasons that have not been disclosed.
This recording represents the trials and tribulations of Red as he copes with prison life.

It is an engaging EPIC story of biblical proportions and should not be taken lightly. It has been digitally re-mastered and condensed for broadcast. The only section of the story lost to degradation is a chapter about the warden's orangutan assistant.

The tale was recorded last year, next to the Hilo, the night after Mr. Red was set free.

CLICK HERE FOR A TALE OF HUMAN ENDURANCE

PS

I also...


Woud rather not have anymore of your dirty computer viruses, Ray. Just freakin' LOOK at what you've done! Now all my kitchen crap has coupons on it! How'm I supposed to drink thta Natty NIOW?? Huh?

Monday, August 22, 2005

i would rather not

have coupons on my bananas. that is all.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

what i learned in kindertoday

because i have been working out and eating 'healthy', i can drink and smoke 3 to 4 times as much.


we are all gonna win. we're winning right now. i said in my previous 'state' that this is not a race. every time we (we know who we are) cross the 'finish' lines, one thing stands tall, true, and giggle worthy. we are crossing with held hands and we grin like mules eatin' garlic*. falling across, inching near, almost, bursting through, not even coming close. to say 'fuck it' is obvious and shallow. call me a neon yellow christmas teaspoon.

if we are guilty of one thing, it's not crying together enough. that's our power over one another. like dominos made out of weeble wobbles. no one person, alone, has ever fallen down, even if that's the way we're stacked. some of my favorite times have been when we've paralleled each other to the ground but by morning we are staggering uprightish toward bacon with one or more of each paint layer fleck-flying like truck-bed trash escapees. we want so badly to shield each other from the most miniscule of pains that we immerse each other in 'fun'. quotes around fun do not degrade the versions of said 'fun'.

fun

adj : providing enjoyment; pleasantly entertaining; "an amusing speaker"; "a diverting story"; "a fun thing to do" [syn: amusing, amusive, diverting, fun(a)] n 1: activities that are enjoyable or amusing; "I do it for the fun of it"; "he is fun to have around" [syn: merriment, playfulness] 2: verbal wit (often at another's expense but not to be taken seriously); "he became a figure of fun" [syn: play, sport] 3: violent and excited activity; "she asked for money and then the fun began"; "they began to fight like fun" 4: a disposition to find (or make) causes for amusement; "her playfulness surprised me"; "he was fun to be with" [syn: playfulness]


it's also a noun, and probably sometimes a transitive verb too (wearing dresses, lipstick, and impractical dancing boots).

thank y'all for sheltering me from all things not fun. thanks for knowing when i'm sad and glossing over it with a fine sheen of naked or lip gloss.

we'll never figure it out, but it's been fucking awesome dancing around the issues.

let's go get some more splinters. stitches with smiles. rare Escher tater sack slides that scoot thru mud pits like a figure eight shaped infinity (shut-up, i know).

*jon wayne knows a lot of stuff

Friday, August 19, 2005

My last post

From Vegas.
YES!!!!!!!!!! I'm almost out of here. In just about 36 hours I should be back in the glorious state of Texas. I'm so happy I could shit. This is a great place to visit but one helluva shitty place to live. Most of the people that live here are buttholes. Not that Texas doesn't have buttholes but Vegas overfloweth with em. I was thinking about stopping the car and getting out to kiss the ground as soon as I got into Texas, but I ain't about to waste any kisses on west Texas. El Paso has cooties ya know. I'll wait till Austin. I may have just jinxed myself seeing as my car is "supposed" to be ready tomorrow. Nah, my karma isn't that bad. Alright, I have about three more hours of packing to do, so I'm out.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

i took too many

' i took too mayn', ' took jjst uenough' shey said while basking in her own obviousness. oh how it rained. i will name my new sopa line 'cascade' after how much it is raining. furthermore, there happened upon a low lying cloud. 'fog' deemed her. haldf the platinum i will give to charities, the other i will disperse umong the masses at catholic gchurch. 'g's' are just 'q's' without blinkers.

as far gestchded as this may sound, i am sane. she said A LOT. they are getting their nourishment. it will rain and reain and rain but no drowning. they'll have to find their own new dirt. or learn to float.

boredom is walls, he said redneckery.

OH MY FUCK , THE ROOSTER UNDERWARE JUST CROWED FROM A PLASTIC BOX. REALLY!@ back to the story. no, wiat. that battery has been for many yarears dammit years. it crows when ever i think , dammit when ever i dont' thingk. what is going should be coming. and here it is. where we are. where we've benn, et cet er a.

slight kickin in. dog bark finally makes me laugh. we'll see how long atht lasts.

meanwhile, back at my story....

getting up to chjeck the disturbance. sorry bout the backspace.


i was worried about garbage. garbage. who is making noise in my garbage? literacy is not real. don't laugh. just dont. i can or cannot type what ever i do or don t want ootoo i think.


how long have people been trying to make sendse? there has to have pbeen a point where consciencenouts 'fuck theat word' was relative to simple existence and not to verbal monotony (i know what i mean). i won't try to solve it now, but god dman is makein mye type. every on

chicken panyts are on a roll tonight. no beak, but a lot of chirpin' this is the part in my livfe where my old chicken pants make me run down sunset whe xxx wearing nothing but the pants that make me thingk.

fuck, where was i .?

oh yeah, can we go back to when we didn't make sense. get out of MY GARGBAGE!@.

CAN we go back to when we just hunted and gruneted, so making sense was not so compulsery. adn spelling too. i'm kinkdof sidk of worriing aobot being worried. worry woorrry.

REALLY KCKIN IN NOW.
still can't fly but ... dot dot dot ... dot. i had an ausnt name dot. she was so poor that i didn't cash her hight school graduation check.


recipe:

one tube or roomate biscuits
one stainless steel pre-heat oven
one half empty, fully expired blackbery jelly stuff
albertsons honey bear, see a ove
too many

bake and swerve

haha, i actually typed that joke ight.


deeeeep braeath


stqrting to resent the afact that tim typng to you. no offense Tim.

starting to realize that ou arent real. ditto ou.

light i an


chicken underwear is REALLY CREEPING MY OUT!!! why now? why at this prticulary vulnaralbe time? why chicken underwear?

feeling s hurt. the best time in my livfe is making fun of the .. well betst time in my life. good fight. we winsome, we siwnsome. btw blych, sorry for moving your arrow, i really enjoyed seeing tath.


now i now , dammit

now i know what vincilble means, fuck

now

now, i know what vincible means. not that any one acan

not that

wait that was ok... not that anyone could EVEN get me right now. hahahah

except the wier d sprinklers. good job sprinkler noise.


btw... tractors..

THE TRACTORS MUST BE CRAZY

yeah, that is sujust pure good.

ok, story, i had one.

super dooper looopey snooper

awesome, i have a spider knitting a we b across my fingers and fuck he's gone, he's back. ge. he just jumped from the 'g' in good job sprinkler noise' to the 'ge' in 'ge' which made my type dumb inthe first palsce.

you dumb fuck. you are only giojn to catch bad breath if you weave a web here.

i just stunned him with my bad breatch.

deepp breath.

this blog hasn't had a 'sad' pist in wawild, st i will bgo on as long as i can. typing with lizard hands. i can see thru the screen. spidder is weaving in 3d.

just figure d out that spider weaving in 3D mands that the spider is triangulating his we b off my HEAD. YEAS I FOUND TIME TO EMPHASIZE WITH CAPS WHILE A SPIDER CATCHES PRYEY USING GEOMETRY MY HEAD. iat least i am heliping. i am 6 somthengs from figureing out that typing isn't reall so you should just bear wth me.

olk, just figured it out. trying to stay with yall for staying wilth yalls skeea sake. introvertion on thing s that are'nt re all isnlt t healthy. CAN'T WAIT TO REEAD THIS TOMOROROW, JUST REALIZED THAT TOMORROW ISN'T REAL, MUST L DOWN.

too funny. this is not a competition. this is not a competiition.

picka atangent, any tangent. just then, a lime? fell on the roof? i'll call it a god apple.

persons with ADD don't haeve time to prara noid unless THEIR GOD DMANED CHICKEN UNDERWEAR FROM THE TASTAPASE SOUND S LIKE A CRYING BABY. that is poot timing.

thanks for tstingking with me. i f i don't lye down soon, well..

here we went, there we go, etc.

stuped etc. i hat e etc. it's such a lazy word.
is this happening?

<------------look

My favorite thing about the picture to the left, is that if you look just beyond Casey's leg, you can see that Staci was there and that she stayed overnight.

bleh

Packing sucks.
Moving sucks.
Texas rules.

just had to bitch a little.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Scratch and Sniff is not for Nudie Bars.

This weekend I visited the Yellow Rose gentlemen's club. I was a bit nervous, so I brought some body-builders. No really. The one girl had just won the world championship yesterday when she benched over 340 lbs. Anyways, her boyfriend that was there is also a refrigerator in stature. Not to mention the other dudes at our table who couldn't put their arms down at their sides. Colby was the little guy. Let's just say that when you add all this plus alcohol and a heaping cup o strippers you get some F-U-N. First, I got a dance by the one girl (who needed about 45 tacos and a better dye job) and was spotted doing THE ROBOT on stage followed by air guitar played on the wrong leg. She uh, hiked up my skirt, unbuttoned my shirt, licked my nostril and said something about corndogs. Then she bit my jaw and put her hand up my skirt and sniffed it. Then she said some crazy meth shit that was like, "I know you... I know you! I saw you in your mama's back yard tippin' cows!" WHAT?!!! Was there a lapdance involved? Well, if you call lifting up your weird lacey sportsbra to expose pancakes and pepperoni I guess that's stripping. It's dirty anyways. Oh my god. She licked my eye makeup off then and put my hand on her throat (cause this was supposed to be hot) and it was really hard not to squeeze... Whoa. Yeah, then the bodybuilder dude with us knocked over the next people's table. Drinks and all. Receivers of said disruption were less than jovial. All new drinks were bought; tables, strippers and other furniture were righted. Was that enough appeasement? Uh, no. Hey, guys, have you seen YOU? And, uh, have you seen the people at my table? The girl that is 5 foot 2 just bench-pressed your fuckin' cousin earlier today. Do you like breathing? Do you enjoy brainwaves? Apparently not. It was indeed time to leave. There was one chick in tears, 19-year-old mothers in short skirts gettin' tanked, bodybuilders being antagonized, and there I was without even anymore makeup on. Can we go now?? Even if none of this were actually happening, there was that one girl on stage with the sea-monster panties that was popping her booty-cheeks INDEPENDENTLY from one another. Dude. Five minutes to get beer at the store. BYE!

Oh Colby, let's go home honey and have a nice, relaxed... evening until 6am during which we make friends with the crying drunk neighbors who have a pool.

Freakin' AWESOME.

Monday, August 15, 2005

tractor

we spent no less than 6 hours with this drunk gem of a game.

substitute the word 'tractor' into any movie title. i.e. 'don't tell mom the tractor's dead'. acceptable derivatives include 'mississippi plowing'.

i'll leave you with one of my favorites. 'save the last tractor'.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Trinket Box Purchase

I bought a giant, trinket wall-box at the thrift store today. You know, those big frames with a bunch of little cubby holes in the middle? They're often used to display glass figurines and tiny porcelain clowns.

Well this thing is giant and probably has over 75 cubby holes. The lady at the register told me she was thinking about buying it for herself but she didn't. She said she needed something to display her best marbles. She has over 15,000 marbles. Then she pointed to her forehead and said, "I'm not talkin' 'bout these marbles either! I'm talkin' 'bout real life, genuine marbles." I asked her where she keeps all her marbles. She said she keeps most of her marbles in the trunk of her car.

Then we went outside and she showed me her trunk marbles.

What the hell is going on?

peter

for every 0% pants ray, there is absolutely a 100% pants somebody else. tonight, it was peter. peter buys pants, wears them once, and then gives them away. tonight was white leopard print, dolce & gablah glah, awesome pants. yep, i said it. awesome. if i can lose 30 lbs., i will be the benefactor of awesome pants. then someone else will have to be 0% pants that guy. too bad i like bar-b-q more than i like 100% awesome pants. fat and pantsless it is. this story was brought to you by TODD OLDHAM PEOPLE!!!! old ham is so funny to me right now.


now here's what is scary. this baby is covered in delicious spaghetti.





there is no way in hell the lion would eat this spaghetti covered baby if he were offered this clean baby instead.






what the fuck lion? that baby is fucking spaghetti flavored but your not gonna eat it? ASS HOLE.

well shit

Dear ffun,
I gues you didn't ge tmy forwarding address.
eat shit you mongertl.
BLynch
ps. i hate mondays and Grafield is fucking ridiculous. Lasgana eatin cat WTF!

might as well invite everyone....

shit people.... i guess you;ll let anyone in here. i'm frustrated unyil i'm not;fd

and dont you for get it.


causxe i did.

and your mama as well

c

Friday, August 12, 2005

Yeah

What's that about.

There is a great new karaoke bar in Austin that is ~5 blocks from my house. They have $1 lonestar on draft and pizza.
We killed the comments section. It won't pull up anymore.

Dammit!

Can you believe the unjustnest of this world. I just got turned down for a job that I didn't even know I applied for. The crazy part is that it I applied for said job with a fake name, Samual Garcia. I did list my qualifications correctly though as the rejection letter states 'my credentials are very impressive' which you all know is true. Take a look:

REJECTION

I will try again
casey

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

PS


Chicharrones anyone?

Drunken Ramblings

Here's what I usually get up to when I'm drinky:

1) (In my head): I am making the best jokes ever! (Read: obnoxious).
2) SMOOCH!!! (And here's what my butt-crack looks like!)
3) How's that one song start?

Colby (by Nicole)-
1) I'm-onna DANCe in verrr little (if any) clothing and then get naked and maybe even wet!
2) I think I'll flip off this stranger in the next car... It's a fun game we can all play! Hahahahahaha!
3) Baby, I'm gonna hump the shit outta... ZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
(Articulation added for effect).

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

i'm obsessed with this

Monday, August 08, 2005

It's a date

So if everything goes perfect I would love to get the hell out of Vegas on the 19th. If that is the case I would like everyone who feels like it to meet me on Saturday the 20th at Luckenbach. I'll also be paying for one of the cabins at the KOA if that sweetens the deal for anyone. If some reason that doesn't happen and I can't leave until the 22nd, then those of you without jobs or available time, I'll be in Luckenbach on the 23rd with the same KOA cabin.
Blynch
Texas
Luckenbach
Beer
Well 3 out of 4 ain't bad. What could go wrong?
Dear MySpace.com,
Can we have Derek back? We totallly knew him before you.
Your friend,
The Fancy Catfish
ps. up yours Tom

Sunday, August 07, 2005

I feel good...

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jamesbrown.html

YES!!!

Ray if you're still awake Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead just started on HBOZP.
"Dishes are done man."

woopow|

TACO ROLLO
mmmmmmmmmm

oh Ohhhhhh

I can't belibve you mover buck3rks let my right this ghit. smy vooaiw on beosoqwy. MY POOSIES ON BYRONDWAY. WHO PHUSHED THE CAPS LOCK. I ficked tah. the kid just wakke olff. that's roovb bad he's got a a qwwtqb woincw. that no back space rule is fuckjh' my world. yesa i ruled that sernternce.

i'll be backe

Saturday, August 06, 2005

ugh

I don't have any of those rampage pictures anymore. They were all on the old computer. crapballs.

Friday, August 05, 2005

yipee!

Awesome day for the mail.
I got the new issue of ESPN The Magazine, a Ween cd, a check from Geico that I had given up on, and only one Have You Seen Me? postcard.
Awesome. Just awesome.

bd vs bs

I don't know if I've said it here before. I don't even know if it matters. But I like Bruce Springsteen a lot more than Bob Dylan. i don't know if anyone else weould compare the two but tonight I can. Maybe I'm not smart enough for Dylan but The Boss just hits home EVERY time.
Also, to anyone who has seen a certain video of mine from 1986 you might find this funnhy.
ps. it is not fun to play peek-a-boo with the sun.

guilyn

since she probably doesn't read this, can anyone else make a comment on how cool Guilyn is. for fuck's sake, she wore a life jacket ice chest for many hours and help make the joke on if 'sound' went on vacation...

sound: hello?

ray: frantic waving of the arms and mouth

sound: call back and leave a message

ray calls back...

"hello, you've reached the voice mail of sound. to complain about crickets press 1. to complain about drummers press 'buh dum bomp cheeesh' 2. to complain about that one lady press & ha ha there is no and sign.

quittin while ican sype slow and make sendse to mee.. i type taht reall fast buth ethe rest real slow.

*bleep* *bleep* *bleep*

It is 11:30 on a Thursday.
I'm out of beer. I've only had 4 and as we all know Blynch finds this totally (or all encompassingly, damn hedberg) unacceptable.
So I'm standing in line at the grocery next to my house and I start to look at the products the person in front of me is buying. She is buying diet Shasta, Shark something Kool-Aid packet, Berry something Kool-Aid packet, Jiff peanut butter (people out here are fucking crazy about Jiff,) and a pack of Kool Menthols. I started thinking it was an odd mix of things to buy this late on a Thursday, but then the bar indicating the beginning of my products hit the starting line. 12 pack of natty, totino's pepperoni, generic bread, hubba bubba bubble gum, and Marlboro Lights. This is when the laughter and panic sit in. The checkout girl gives me this "great another one" kind of look and says "what's so funny?" All I could tell her was "Yang just left."

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

ps

I also love that picture of Kung-Fu Colby, Banana Repulican, and 0% Pants Ray on the side of the blog.

Most people are boring...

Either that or we're just gonna die before them. I also want Ray to grow a crappy mustache so he will look wxatcly like Cousi9n Eddie in Vacation.
Just kidding Ray. I wish you unexpected pie and whisk(e)y.
And then this happened today.
Guy at work: Hey, have you seen the Carlos Mencia show?
Blynch: (sigh)yeah. I think he's the devil.
Guy at work: Well he did this really funny thing where
Blynch: Was it racial?
Guy at work: Yeah.
Blynch: I'm sorry but I fucking hate that guy. Later.
I'm so glad that shitty comdeiand have to remind us that cats and dogs are differnt.
I wish my computer had a brethalize ron it.
This wholek thing started with lme wanting to tell atsroy about sometibng but ij thought it would be too long so I did this instead. stupid me.
I will end with this
Dear Dave Chappelle,
Please huury back for you third season. The people are running out of quotes from the second season.
Thanks,
Blynch
Wow I'm a dick.