Monday, October 31, 2005

dearest cigarettes,

let's just be nighttime friends.

just kidding, i want to have babies with you.


Saturday, October 29, 2005


i have a headache.

but that doesn't matter because i just found the PEERFEEECT puppet show karaoke dolls.


that's right. us.

it's expensive. but i think when the company sees our pictures, they'll lower the price.

welll shit

what a stuupud person my relfectionn is.
i hads a beautiful woman beggintg to go home with me tonnight.
it was great. hallowwen is the funnnest tijme tio hook up with people.
shhe was gorgeeous. she hgad that look in her eye.
she was falling down all over the bar but she didn't give A SHIT.

but guess what happened?

i ahd to leabve in a hurry.
becauce my ride was departing.
so i left.,


i didntt thinkm much of it, because
eveeery night is a crazy friday nightl,

but dammmit,

i regret it niowq.

it wqould've been nice to make out with a good lookin' girl tonight.
that wouldvve been fun.

im at home, trying to make cream of wheat like my grandparents.
but it's not as good.

i called red and he said to add mor e buuter. i was hesitant becausee the instructions call for brown sugar... not more butter.

im making it in a coffe mug becausae i ran out of bowls.

how do old people make this stuff taste good>?

i cxall,ed red aghain to ask for instructions.

insteasd of giving me insturictions
he invited me to the "Asian Extravanganzza."

he said they'r egoing to eat at 6 diffferent oklahom asian places tomorrow.
they're gonna start at mr. pho at 11:00 TOMORROW,.
this will be followed by snacks at the illegal asian/oklaoman cock fights
(which aopperntly happen riught next door to the piugeon museum)

it costs ss $50 to enter and the betsxs are arounfd $20.00 a piece.

it's a full l on cock fight
and ts very hush hush.

just likee thje secret ingrediiant to cream of wheat.
in the newww christmnas
peoople will give eqach other

timexz watches.

thats it.
good ollsd fashioned watches.

justw like breaad pans and baking stoness.

doo you know what?
i can't beliebe i can type without error.

i have been drinking dolalr mickeysall nighgtanf oits a miracle i can typoe without error.


i just looke dup at the screen.


Friday, October 28, 2005

Hva er med all tegnsetting og sobriety omkring her?

thanks for the memory

i just popped over to my buddy Pete's page after receiving a drunken phone call from Mel, Lori, and his wife, Tory. they were down at Gruene Hall in Texas having a good ol' Texas time in Texas where i'm not presently dancing the Texas two-step with my good Texas friends. the first thing i see is this

i have not been able to watch Watership Down since 1978 when i saw it in the theater. i believe it was a cold december day, sunday following church. highland mall was still new and hwy 183 was two lanes. Christmas was in the air and this was supposed to be an animated film about bunnies. they were supposed to get on a raft, it would sink, and then they live happily on an island (i had just played Huck Finn in the elementary school play and my favorite show was Gilligan's Island. kid logic). this was a mainstream animated film in the 70's so that meant it was for children. this would change in 1981 with the release of Heavy Metal. i said, "bunnies" and my mom said, "let's go." while my dad thought about playboy. parental guidance indeed.

scarred for life. i'm afraid to confront my brother, Todd, about it. he was five.

so thanks, Pete. you've made this a special Halloween. maybe when they are done in my head tonight, the black rabbit and whatever rabbit held the rank of general will come to your house and leave spiders under your pillow.

a new bar to FUCK WITH

guess who just opened up a brand new bar down the street from my house?


THE mother fucking BACHELOR.

that's right.
last year's bachelor (or he might be the winner of the bachelorette) was born in oklahoma and he has returned to his homeland to build a hip, new, los angeles bar right down the street from my house! it's called NOVA and it's all the rage. it has valet parking DIRECTLY in front of the parking lot. that's right, valet parking in OKLAHOMA. we finally got it. now I can pay some guy to move my car seven feet from where i drop it off! that's great news because i'll only have to walk ten feet to get to the front door! i usually have to walk twenty feet when i go to less stylish bars.

NOVA is going to be a trend setter here. i can tell. i thought "LiT" and the "SKKYBAR" (that's right, our SKKYBAR has two Ks) would show oklahoma the LA lifestyle but i was wrong. THE BACHELOR is going to do it.

i can't wait to eat a cucumber wrap, drink a spritzer, and give THE BACHELOR my head shots. maybe he can introduce me to gary mann!! you know, get my foot in the door. since i used to live in LA i bet we have a lot in common.

keeping with the scene, NOVA serves a special drink called "The LA" or "The Los Angeles Cocktail".

It is as follows:

1 1/2 oz blended whiskey
1/4 oz sweet vermouth
juice of 1/2 lemons
1 tsp powdered sugar
1 whole egg
1 pair of crushed sunglasses*
2 scoops of shmooze*

Shake all ingredients with ice, strain into a whiskey sour glass, and serve.

*optional ingredients added by derek

Oklahoma's own Toby Keith has finished building his "I Love this Bar and Grill" and now The Bachelorette Man has "Nova". If I could only become a successful director I could build FARM!, a restaurant where you get to eat INSIDE a tractor! It'll spray oil and dirt every ten minutes and the only thing on the menu will be delicious wheat.

Quote I left out

"You clean your house if you know people are coming over."
-Ray talking about personal hygiene

Thursday, October 27, 2005

i just missed a blocked phone call

Nick? why didn't you leave a message? why do you torture me li... oh yeah, the spanking thing. please try again. it's been so long. have you found someone new?




I love the new Wednesday night in Austin. Travis and Blynch had the greatest idea of all time to go play bingo on Eeast Riverside. Tonight was my first time to go and I won. Not enout to buy a new car, but just enough to take my good friends to a place of top notch entertainment. They all smell like lemon glitter, but not as much as I do.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

boys lie

well, my first internet romance lasted about 3 minutes. nick did not call me back at 4. i got you DOMINATRIXESESES for our first date, NICK. granted, they were hot girls with big boobies, but have you ever heard of a strap-on, NICK? you know what, NICK, the 26 year old waiter/actor from Austin, TX? i'm not calling YOU back. and it not just because i don't have your number. it's because I'M breaking up with YOU.

woo hoo! i'm on the rebound!


ok, some guy named nick just called. he says he got my number from craigslist and wants to have gay sex with me and spank me. i told him to call back at 4. should i meet him? does anyone want to go? or should i leave the poor guy alone? oh yeah, my number is not on craigslist.


My two favorite quotes from this past week.
Guy talking to girl on sixth street: "The reason I like you, is that I know you'll never tell my wife."
Woman talking to man in small bar 40 minutes northwest of Austin: "If you don't start paying attention I'm gonna divorce you."

Monday, October 24, 2005

we cook, we clean, we drink...

we take illicit substances from strangers in bathrooms. we do all the damn work around here. the fancy catfish is going back to it's natural hair color. if you don't see your name to the left, you can't post here anymore. you may apply to get back on the blog by submitting a 1000 words on hating fun. please submit any complaints to me and then go to hell. (ok, i did leave Russell on, the man's a gawd damn genious) now everyone hold still, i love you.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Perfect Strangers Two - Fun in Orlando

Here's a new poster for the next Perfect Strangers.

Here's a New Business Card Ray.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

in case you don't know...

further down the road

new mexico did redeem itself. big time.

"don't go there, grrrl"

should be the new slogan for new mexico tourism. i took this picture at a rest stop.

pretty much, new mexico is saying... "if your kids get drunk and poke one of our toilet snakes, don't call us because it's not our fault and you can't. ha ha ha ha ha we're New Mexico. if the underside of your rattler reads 'aliens', redeem your fang marks for a free dream catcher at the black widow barn."

new mexico... it's like old mexico, but still in the wrapper and sitting on a closet shelf because SERIOUSLY grandma, i'm not EVER gonna wear that. how about a gift certificate next time.

those two blobs are actually rattlesnakes coordinating an airstrike via Nextel on that drunk guy scratching the word 'HELP' in the dirt.

Sunday, October 09, 2005


If we ever have to start calling each other by numbers I call 123.

Friday, October 07, 2005


"And the password is:"

Nach ein dunkes bier

You know what that gets you? Another dark beer. This place is AWESOME. Except for the having to pay 4 EEURSop or wahterver the sign is for a EURO at the hotel to get onthe information highway. I'm suppose to catch a train to Prague in exactly 4 hurs and 1 miutes.

ps BEER is good.


imagine if we blog on this thing for the rest of our lives
and at each person's funeral someone reads all their posts.

people in the audience will say, "i didn't know he was retarded. did you know? i didn't know."

Thursday, October 06, 2005


check out February 2004 on the blog. it's like grandma's ribbon candy. if you try to pull out one piece, you'll get the whole damn pile.

it's only when i'm not drunk

that i can't see the tiniest of all things. the red inside the black. so small , fragmented, and tweaky. i don't know what they are, but they compose every single thing. hmm, mostly red. god damn, a dog is howiling a frightening message. what the fuck are you? still and alwayus mostly red. it's like when you rub your eyes, only smaller. somebody, please, pretty please, walk up to je me to tomorrow and say, ' ican see electrons'. then i'll say 'me too' and then something elese will happen and so on. neice talkin with ya. hmm, even the green is made of red. why is that?

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

found another constant...

the jack daniel's label.

A-1 and Jack Daniels.