Monday, March 24, 2008

overheard at Sparkle Farm

"Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts." -Danny

Monday, March 03, 2008

you're insane

Mitch Baker, Derek Doublin, and myself spent a good chunk of last saturday blowing up ice cream cones in my hand. all in all a fairly typical day at the Sparkle Farm and for Derek and Mitch, an average day at work.

oh, this road. we don't get 'jackass' bored, but entertainment for us has to be of a certain latitude to even raise a brow.

in more than one topical discussion, heroin has been dismissed solely on the icky needle factor. it has to be the best thing ever, look at atrocious repercussions of it's abuse. i could never handle the responsibility of that much fun, needles or not. i would like it. i eat too many filet o' fishes. not to mention the insurmountable amount of star alignment that would have to happen for me to even be comfortable with the possibility. considering it took no less than three test cones, re-designing of the camera angles so my head could be turned away, and waiting for the exact melted consistency of the ice cream before even considering hand-held exploding dairy. heroin doesn't stand a chance.

my mail was late last thursday. for a good chunk of the world, retired and otherwise, this would be cause for high drama including neighborhood speculations and calls to the hospital. anything that breaks up their monotony. i just put my monotony in a blender, add rum, and decide where to install the stripper pole.

the architecture of my postal crisis had a few more stories. i was trying desperately to get to Austin for Leslie Hall's show and still get to bed at a decent time to be fresh for my audition on friday.

but i wanted to get the signature delivery express mail package from India that i ordered through the Canadian pharmacy for the Viagra that was supposed to have been available back at the post office at 4:45 before i left. i had a plan.

do not go speculating. my junk works. just ask Chris, who made us leave a certain college sangria bar in Antwerp because the eye candy permanently hardened the enamel on my "sweet tooth". that's a whole other blog.

i got caught off guard by a spam email. i just wanted to see what it did. i figured the six hour ride to Austin would be a safe environment to explore this curiosity. i knew i couldn't trust myself at home for that long with a boner. recipe for counter-productivity.

i got to the post office at 4:44. after three searches in the back and a few brow wipes hoping for discrete packaging, i was locked in to await the return of my "post" man. i was escorted out with my prize at 5:05, popped a pill in the parking lot, and was off.

thirty minutes, nothing. not that there is anything especially exciting on the drive from OKC, but i thought i'd get at least a partial from the Ronnie Milsap billboard at Riverwind Casino. i even fantasized about a Dolly Parton/Willie Nelson tribute to Merle Haggard tour. nothing.

two hours. nothing. time to get gas. insert "pay at the pump" joke. i decided to go in to the Love's truck stop for some water and got a raging hard-on in the beef jerky aisle. i skipped the water, sidled out, and avoided eye contact. dammit, ray. now i'm a blue collar comedy sketch.

the rest of the trip was pretty uneventful. Viagra is not that special. it just slightly lowers your threshold for wood potential. whatever. it did inspire me to change one of my monologues to be said to my dick. my character is a horny rich video game coder nerd and the script is a comedy. it was hilarious in my head.

went to the show. bed by 2. audition at noon. Tim McCanlies told me i was insane. i think it was in the good way?

gauze caftans from International Male. THAT'S insane.